Why we should not be shedding tears for Cheryl Cole

Why no-one should be shedding any tears for Cheryl Cole

I canna believe it pet!

Our ”˜Queen of Hearts’ Cheryl Cole has been booted off the US X Factor before she’s even had the chance to narcissistically coo: “Ya remind me of meself,” to a single lookalike wannabe.

Apparently Cheryl’s deficiencies are two-fold. Firstly the Yanks canna understand her Geordie accent. Secondly she had about as much chemistry with fellow judge Paula Abdul as she did with Danni Minogue.

So with a reported £1.2 million kiss-off (her full fee for the entire series) she has been booted off set back to Blighty to ponder her future on the UK show.

Cowell is apparently ”˜gutted’ and had no role in the ”˜shock’ decision – attributed to faceless Fox executives who didn’t like what they were getting from the pocket-sized pop princess.

As Judge Judy would say – baloney! If it doesn’t make sense it’s usually not true.

Nothing happens in the carefully orchestrated pantomime-esque world of X Factor without show supremo Simon Cowell’s say-so.

His tedious game of ”˜will-she, won’t-she be a judge’ has played out in the media for an eternity: Is Cheryl taking elocution lessons”¦ has she purchased an LA-based home”¦ what will her stateside wardrobe look like (purple pantaloons and a Dolly Parton barnet if you’re interested).

Without the saga would your average Brit have given a monkey’s about his US export? I think not and Simon knows it too ”“ hence the portrayal of Saint Chezza and her nerve-jangling wait for a decision – garnering invaluable publicity for his shows both sides of the Atlantic

Cheryl has not developed a Geordie accent overnight. She has taken no steps to disguise the fact she has one and why should she? I will not believe that a group of po-faced executives have suddenly experienced a collective and earth-shattering realisation that she simply will not translate to US audiences.

Nor will I believe that there is ”˜tension’ between her and Paula Abdul. Because if there’s one thing Cowell loves it’s in-fighting between the judges – just ask Sharon Osbourne. I can barely recall a spoken word or a glance exchanged between Cheryl and Dannii during the live shows ”“ they were the definition of ”˜lack of chemistry’.

No, my firm belief is that this charade is all a smokescreen ”“ granted, only marginally less dense than the cloud of hairspray surrounding Cheryl’s current lioness hairdo.

With her bad fashion choices and snub to Gamu Nhengu in favour of living Bratz doll Cher Lloyd, Cheryl’s popularity took a spectacular tumble last season. By being seen to give her the golden ticket to America and then taking it away, ”˜bad guy’ Cowell has once again reinstated malaria victim and cuckolded beauty Cheryl as the nation’s favourite martyr.

And for a tidy £1.2 million pay packet for a mere four days’ work, I’m quite sure canny Cole was happy to be complicit in her supposed ”˜humiliation’.

With Dannii gone and a renewed dose of public sympathy she can return to the UK X Factor as undisputed Queen Bee. As for Cowell he’s now free to serve up the all-American lineup Fox executives have quite rightly wanted all along.

Very clever Simon. Very clever indeed.

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3 comments on “Why we should not be shedding tears for Cheryl Cole”

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  1. ‘Why we shouldn’t be shedding tears for Cheryl Cole’ writes the author. Well, quite frankly, I’m not! In fact, I’d rather not read anyhthing about her.

  2. This has tipped me over the edge from quiet follower into full-on fan adoration!

    My favourite line is “..granted, only marginally less dense than the cloud of hairspray surrounding Cheryl\’s current lioness hairdo.”

    The wheel continues to revolve – TV supremo whispers to presenters who whispers to personal PR team who whispers to UK trash celeb mags who ‘publish and be dammed’ on cue, which fuels the end game of TV supremo who needed something to whisper to Fox tv’s executives marketing team.

    hahaha

    It makes me shudder that there are millions of people worldwide who’s scepticism is not nearly as finely tuned as yours – offices across the UK will be muttering utter rubbish to fill the vaccume of their pointless little lives. (Some might say harsh)

  3. Is X Factor the Barclays Bank/Tesco/IMF/George Osborne/McDonald’s/Tea Party of Pop? Just a thought.

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