Why the UK will never win Eurovision again


Why the UK will never win Eurovision again
By Michelle Corbett

Staring at the rubble of their Eurovision 2011 title hopes pop pillocks Duncan James and his man-band mates are no doubt feeling more than a bit ”˜Blue’ after being stuffed by none other than Jedward.
The group’s effort – optimistically entitled ”˜I Can’ – may have overachieved with 100 points and the United Kingdom a none-too-shabby 11th place, but star-jumping and hyperventilating ahead with ”˜Lipstick’ X-Factor losers John and Edward Grimes finished eighth – meaning that yet again Ireland pipped us to the post.

It’s all immaterial of course because tiny nation Azerbaijan won (heard of it? No, me neither) with ”˜Running Scared’ – a song with lyrics so chronically repetitive I’d wager Scouting For Girls are considering covering it.

Oil-rich (and therefore at immediate risk of being invaded by the US) Azerbaijan is surrounded by Russia, Georgia, Armenia and Iran – and when it came to each country dishing out their points boy didn’t we know it!
Is the political balance of Europe really so delicate that it depends on nepotistic voting in a meaningless song contest?
Would Spain really give a donkey’s dick if Portugal didn’t give them 12 points?
Should we fear in the imminent withdrawal of IKEA’s flat-pack furniture services given that we failed to score Sweden highly?
If Austria didn’t back Germany, would they have a Teutonic tiff?
Kudos to Denmark for being one of the few nations to buck the trend and give Ireland 12 points.
Even our own judges played silly beggars ”“ giving 12 points to Ireland instead of marvellous Moldova.
Wearing conical hats ”˜So Lucky’ singers Zdob and Zdub were my personal highlight of the night ”“ conjuring up Devo and Electric Six with a laugh-out-loud performance that featured a trumpet-playing woman on a unicycle.

I honestly believe that the United Kingdom will never win Eurovision again because in an increasingly fragmented Europe, unless you’re landlocked you’re stuffed.
You could be the UK vocal equivalent of Lady Gaga straddling a lamb shank and still lose out to a merry band of Bosnian organ grinders thanks to our chronic lack of geographical allies.
That said, right now geography is the least of our concerns.
We’ve become far too serious a nation to prosper in a contest that is the ultimate in ”˜so bad it’s good’ TV – hence why Jedward with their ridiculous haircuts and off-the-wall antics struck more of a chord with the judges than boring old Blue.
The sad fact is we’re not the slightly awkward but irrepressibly endearing nation that once offered up Cliff Richard and Bucks Fizz.
We’re about as welcome at Eurovision as Sarah Ferguson is at Buckingham Palace thanks to our ”˜special relationship’ with America and our war on terror.
As tonight’s contest showed it’s not about how good you are – it’s about who you choose to buddy up with.

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4 comments on “Why the UK will never win Eurovision again”

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  1. You speak of ‘judges’ – but it was public voting. It’s been like this for a number of years.

  2. Outside of Eurovision though, British artists such as the incredibly boring Coldplay probably sell more albums than any of these eurovision artists ever will.

    Question is, do we really want to win a contest where they celebrate crap music?

  3. The Beatles – world domination in their time ! Enuf said john hey ?

  4. Michael Byrne

    Firstly the people who really do take it seriously probably lack culture anyway and need it to feel good. Im proud to be English everyday i dont need eurovision for a cultural leg up. I dont take it a bit seriously its a fun camp fest. I do think too many people take thing seriously unlike Bucks Fizz and Katrina and the waves we take everything serious. Yes the border thing is a problem as we dont follow the dashion trends and music ones of europe. I havent got a clue about pop in moldova or finland who cares though? We do follow U.S trends more but we have many cultural connections like Australia really. Do we hear anything of acts that won it? Havent heard of Loreen since or any of the winners and Katrina was already known previous and came out of retirement. Voting isnt because everyone hates England like i saw in NME what racial garbage if that was the case nobody would of liked Harry Potter! People vote according to what tastes and trends they know, the French entries have been awful and Spains stuck in the 1930s. And Eastern Europe entries largely forgettable. I agree some folk music goes well everyone understands it and its big in Europe. Britain simply doesnt need Eurovision like other countries we have enough platforms and most dont need a platform at all and thats not arrogance just fact. I never hear much from any artists that win these talent contests largely because if they were great they wouldnt need them in the first place

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