What’s your fantasy festival line-up?
So my best friend goes skiing in Canada, I look after her gerbil for two weeks and what does she bring me back? A lousy festival poster!
Joking! It’s only the best darn poster EVER – featuring the all-star line-up of the legendary 1970 Isle of Wight Festival.
The Doors, Moody Blues and Joan Baez get top billing while some random guy named Jimi Hendrix languishes in the footer. Ironically his performance in the small hours of August 31 would go down in musical history as THE highlight of the entire festival. ÃÂ
Looking at this poster in all its psychedelic glory I can’t help but wonder – if I had to choose my fantasy festival line-up who would make the cut? If time ceased to matter and I could dip into the past as well as the present, who would I want to see? So, for the record, here’s my nominees for 12 killer headliners over three killer days.
Guns n’ Roses (original line-up): It’s 2am and Axl’s still combing his hairpiece. Get on with it son! The Council are threatening to cut off all the power. Still, when Slash finally straps on his axe and ”ËWelcome to the Jungle’ kicks in, I throw up with excitement.
Nirvana: A snarling dog of war with haunted eyes and a hobo’s jumper, I want Kurt Cobain vocally and lyrically wrenching out his innards yard by yard for my viewing pleasure.
Rage Against The Machine: If I’m going to die by quick-as-a-bullet rap, then please God let pistol-packing RATM be my executors. Slayers of the all-conquering ”ËX Factor’ beast I kneel before thee!
Pixies: When smoking- hot Kim Deal’s doing the business on bass and Frank Black’s gargling razorblades through the mic, this monkey’s ”ËGone to Heaven’.
The Doors: Jim’s in his ”ËYoung Lion’ phase – bare-chested and hungry. Ray’s freaking out on the keys. I’m freaking out to ”ËThe End’ and all without a whiff of peyote!
The Violent Femmes: Preferably in a teeny-tiny tent filled with, oh let’s say, 10,000 people all going crazy to ”ËAdd It Up’. If it wasn’t for the promise of Mr Morrison I’d be going home right now.
The Velvet Underground: Cue the announcer: “Mr Reed will not be playing ”ËPale Blue Eyes’ this evening or anything else you may remotely recognise. Don’t bother to ask.”Â Lou’s in a super-pissy mood and proceeds to hum ”ËI Am The Music Man’ over the drone of a circular saw.
The Stone Roses: What could be better than a late afternoon singalong to ”ËI Am The Resurrection’? My head’s thrown back, my arms are nailed outwards. I’m sloshing my drink over the next person but he gets it. He’s doing the same.
Queen: Freddie Mercury – the greatest frontman ever – is strutting his stuff with a vacuum cleaner. Friday and Saturday have bitten the dust. They’ve got enough gold to see us through to the end. Axl and Jim who?
David Bowie: I’ve got my silver spacesuit and Ziggy make-up on”Â¦ I’ve pledged allegiance to the outer rim of the galaxy and I made it to the arena on time. David, it’s over to you.
Morrissey: He’s halfway through ”ËThis Charming Man’ when all of a sudden some knobhead chucks a pint of piss on the stage. With a sneer of contempt, Steven Patrick Morrissey flounces off stage to go and listen to his Sandie Shaw LPs. It’s over before it’s even begun but God they were a good five minutes.
Lady Gaga: I’m in the mood for theatrics and for heaven’s sakes she’s WEARING the hot dog stand. Sorry baby, but I was ”ËBorn This Way’.
So, should I reserve you a ticket? What’s your fantasy line-up? Answers on a postcard please”Â¦