THE O***I*S (You know, that big ole sporting thing)(In London)(Soon).

So, the Olympics. What do we think? For? Against? Or are you like Keith Goldhanger & just don’t flippin’ know one way or anything? Either way, read on as Keith amusingly debates the issue amongst hiself.

Am I allowed to write this word? am i allowed to even mention it ? – well i’m going to mention it anyway because I’m in East London and in a few days time the world will be watching us, watching men and women from various locations around the world, running around in circles or firing arrows or guns and hitting things or jumping over things or trying to knock each other over whist trying to win unethically made bits of metal (so i’m told) made of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh. Sponsored by ….. well you know all this.

Before I continue though I reserve the right to get bored. I’m not at school and I don’t need to finish this OK? If my world is not severely interupted by what’s going on down the road (and everywhere else it seems) then I’ll go back to watching bands, criticising Muse and buying the odd t-shirt. And you may never get to learn what it’s been like.

I’m told by those around me that the next few weeks could be “interesting” and “busy”.
MMMMmm ok, So let’s casually start by mentioning that we now have some BOMBS in East London !!!!!

Real muvverfukin BOMBS !! – When I say “we” I mean “us”, the Great British people (remember “we’re all in this together ok..). LOUDER THAN WAR do NOT have BOMBS is that clear ? – We can’t afford them and even if we did then we wouldn’t use them because history has taught us that they can be dangerous. Dangerous as in you could have someones eye out with one of those things if you’re not careful. They’re lined up now on top of council flats (where else would they put them ? – the shard isn’t conveniently shaped like that for nothing y’know). And nothing anyone can do can have them taken away apparently.

THE O***I*S (You know, that big ole sporting thing)(In London)(Soon).And the tubes might start running late. And the tubes might be busy. And we keep being reminded we should leave for work a couple of hours earlier than usual and give ourselves a couple of hours extra to get home (even though work is only 30 minutes away). or walk. With a valid tube ticket. That’ll also be valid to use on a bus. A bus that won’t be able to move anywhere because of all the people driving to the Olympics in their hired executive cars because they are IMPORTANT people who probably have to hold a camera or write about someone jumping into a sand pit.

Part of me thinks it wont be busy. There’s football events/west end shoppers / gigs / theatre etc going on all the time …these people will just be replaced by sporting types waving little flags surely ? – But everyone else is telling me to LEAVE THE COUNTRY ! BOARD UP MY WINDOWS!! STOCK PILE FOOD AND WATER!! AND DONT LET ON THAT YOU OWN A GARDEN SHED !!…..nah!…it’ll be a doddle I reckon.

My feelings on this are still unclear. I got swept up in the euphoria of ticket applications and got some bloody football tickets. At Wembley. Which is miles away …and I reckon once I get into the stadium on the 29th July I’ll still be miles away. I have friends that have opening ceremony tickets and ones to watch the running races. I have friends who have “always expressed an interest in Beach Volleyball” even though there isn’t a beach for miles and the weather is SHIT!

THE O***I*S (You know, that big ole sporting thing)(In London)(Soon).And I also know people who are REALLY FUCKED OFF about having BOMBS on their houses. And the fact that they may not be able to get to work -and not get paid or park their car outside where they live because from this week one suddenly needs a permit to do that sort of thing around here and not everyone has received their residents permit yet…

But we’ll be OK. Look at all those people in their green uniforms here to protect us and make us walk the right way up the escalators. Already they’re walking around looking important. Well, actually when i say “looking important” what i really mean is “Looking a little pissed off” – these people look about 14 years old, but are all now fully trained to tell the difference between the smell of VODKA and the smell of water (although learning the art of spotting a nail bomb sticking out the top of a bag is another matter). There will be very little pulling the wool over their eyes…… at least until they get fed up living in that cold damp shed in Epping Forest.

During the next few weeks I’ll be on the front line. I have a tin hat and enough food in the house to last a month if things get too bad.

Well…. when I say the “front line” i mean Leyton, which is about a half hour walk from Stratford where already the locals are already having fun pulling the pins out of the new PINK signs which are located every six steps pointing into the direction of the stadium and laughing as they take photo’s of the arrows pointing in THE WRONG DIRECTION to put on their facebook pages in order to laugh at the incompetence of those people at the IOC or LOCOG or other organisations currently known by abbreviated initials who still don’t understand that there are people in this country who can’t get jobs because the local authorities have taken all the nursery school funding away. Those with jobs…shit jobs…with shit money..and shit hours and shit accommodation seem to have already cried off allowing the Army to arrive ….so therefore if we need to use those bombs, then WE NO LONGER HAVE TO RELY ON SCHOOL LEAVERS WITH NO QUALIFICATIONS to press the fuckin buttons and start blowing things up from the top of those flats over there……OVER THERE !!!!!!!!! FUCK !!! THAT’S WHAT THOSE THINGS ARE …Christ on a bike this could get hairy …

All words Keith Goldhanger who confidently predicts “I’ll be back in time for the high jump – (which my mum had the foresight to predict back in the 70’s – boom boom !)”. More Louder Than War pieces by Keith can be found here. Keith is on twitter as HIDEOUSWHEELINV.

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Keith Goldhanger -- Spent the '90s as a frontman with London noise merchants HEADBUTT - spent the '80s in 'Peel favourites' BASTARD KESTREL. Spent a few years mashing up tunes and remixing bands as HIDEOUS WHEEL INVENTION. Is often out and about getting in the way of things and bumping his head on low ceilings - Will give your band the time of day but will dislike any band that balances full pints of alcohol on the top of guitar amps (Not keen on lead singers that wear hats either).


  1. […] Goldhangar reports once again from t’Olympical Games, this update touching on such matters as traffic, macdonalds, […]


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