Once again Keith’s keeping us abreast of the sides of the Olympic Games that other media outlets are failing to comment on.
WWWWHhhhhhhhhhhhhhAAAAAhh wah BBBRRRR Wub WUUUUuuuubbbbb chhhhhhhKKKKKKKKK ding CHUGGA !CHUGGA ! SLUUUUUUUUURRRrrrpppp, WOOOORPPP , wub WWWUUUUUUUUBBBBB WOOORRRPPP ,BROOOOAAAAHHHH!!!! WAAAAAAAARRPPPP WAAAAAARRRRRRPPPPPPPP
Week two of the 2012 Olympics has begun with yours truly located in a cow shed in Hertfordshire until 5am for 4 days tapping toes to the latest dubstep tunes and other genres of music at a bloody brilliant festival called STANDON CALLING which is so good and so small and so brilliant and so clean and so POSH that I don’t want any of you lot turning up next year and ruining it like that other festival I used to go to that I won’t mention but is now RUINED by over zealous security and twice as many people.
On the way there, I realised that there’s thousands of Dutch people in North London and somehow they’ve all got really nice bikes that they’ve brought with them that they are riding around on. Before the games began, when I thought people would be dropping litter in the garden, causing mayhem at the supermarket checkout and blocking all the tube stations, I had one eye on my own two wheeled mean machine (asda ÃÂ£60) and was preparing myself for a ride across London everyday. Since the games began I have also noticed that all the railings in the area are empty of bikes – not because no one is left in London, but because CHAINING YOUR BIKE AGAINST A RAILING AT THE MOMENT IS NOT ALLOWED!
But that doesn’t bother me anymore because I’m dancing in a field to Norways best band ever, CASIO KIDS, the cleverest man alive BEARDYMAN,and other gems called things like DEN HAAN, CITIZENS!, DEATH IN VEGAS, FRACTURES, AND !!! (Chk Chk Chk) whilst also standing in horror watching TURBOWOLF who are the most ridiculous thing ive seen since a friend of mine booked an “up and coming” band called THE DARKNESS for her birthday party many years ago. But it wasn’t all an orgy of great new up and coming bands that’ll all be promoted to grace Glastonbury in a couple of years time because those drummers who the BBC told us were not playing real drums in the opening ceremony also turned up ! and I went to an Indie disco with them where they basically stood on the “dancefloor” (a bit of dry grass in a tent) and played along to Blur’s “Boys and Girls”. It took a few days before I was reminded that the Olympics were still on when I patronised a bar with a telly just as that bloke whose name i can’t remember won a tennis match and everyone cheered.
I’ve also gone for another one of those walks where I stand at the Olympic Park entrance and watch people stress out because they can’t find their tickets (they always do), and where journalists sit in an area especially reserved for them to drink beer and do all their work whilst WATCHING THE TELLY. Entering and exiting Stratford station is as easy as a normal busy Saturday except there are people in pink uniforms who sit on high chairs like swimming pool attendants and point into the direction of a train… sometimes whilst singing – a bit like reps on an 18 -30 holiday (I imagine). The people hanging around all seem to have at the very least their country of residence emblazed on their shirts whilst some are arriving as though they’re about to go into the Eurovision song contest. The overall atmosphere is really nice – everyone is on holiday and no one’s getting plastered on too much cheap lager (which doesn’t exist in London anyway). There are tellies EVERYWHERE all showing the Olympics, which is ACTUALLY HAPPENING OVER THERE!! A COUPLE OF HUNDRED METRES AWAY, behind the metal detectors, the barbed wire fence, the soldiers, the policemen holding big guns and journalists standing on boxes to make them feel taller. And we’re winning medals for being good on horses, and boats and bikes (‘sitting down competitions’) and hitting the living daylights out of each other whilst wearing sponges on their heads. The streets seem tidier than ever BECAUSE THEY ARE BEING SWEPT 24 HOURS A DAY, and the shops in Stratford seem to be doing OK.
But not in Leyton, where the “Olympic games food market” has now closed. A number of traders paid up to ÃÂ£20,000 to set up their stalls, expecting about 40,000 potential customers a day to pass through, but it seems that Stratford is coping so well that no one except us locals are using Leyton station even though a new exit was built. There were a few “Welcome to Leyton” flyers photo copied and handed out at the start of the games which indicated a small recommended walking route from the station to the stadium but unfortunately these flyers ommited the bit where the food stalls were all set up ……basically, SOMEONE expected people to hang around Leyton all night instead of going into the west end..and that SOMEONE might just be the person profitting from persuading all those food traders who are now financially fucked unless our beloved council hold up their hands and pay these people their money back and say sorry. You may note that this bit hasn’t been on the news yet.
As far as the games are concerned, I have sat and watched a laptop being hit and thrown accross the room as the hunt for tickets is worse than trying to get one for Glastonbury. I expect this may become a new Olympic event by 2016, and I have watched people get booed for not trying very hard…..if the olympic organises cannot be bothered to meet up during the games to pick balls out of a hat to decide who plays who in the “knock -out” stages of a competition then as far as I am concerned they should then NOT be surprised when two Chinese Badminton teams unexpectadly end up in the same half of the draw therefore meaning that NO ONE WANTS TO BE PAIRED UP WITH THEM AND THEREFORE PLAYS TO LOSE. (If anyone doesn’t understand that i’ll draw a picture sometime).
I’m also in admiration of Algeria’s Taoufik Makhloufi who won the men’s 1500m title at an almost embarrassing stroll after pulling up after half a dozen strides in the 800M the previous day because he didn’t want to knacker himself out for something he knew he’d have a better chance of winning. I have also watched NO ONE successfully manage a pole vault or high jump even though someone must have succeeded when I wasn’t looking and as for the “Horse dancing” competition ….to PHIL FUCKIN’ COLLINS ….what the fuck is all that meant to be about then?
I’m off now to watch the walking races — toodle pip !