The Brits 2011 – Michelle Corbett watched it so you didn’t have to
The Brits is quite often a bit silly – a sort of Eurovision Song Contest with groups you’ve heard of whilst it puffs out its self important chest.
After last year’s rubbish Cheryl Cole ‘performance’ we had better things to do with our time. Luckily Michelle Corbett watched it for us
“Woo hoo! It doesn’t get better than the BRITS!”Â squealed newly-crowned ”ËInternational Female Solo Artist’ Rhianna – breasts straining in her ”ËBig Fat Gypsy Wedding’ dress. Yes it does love. It’s called the Grammys which, as evidenced by the poor turnout of ”Ëbig-name talent’, took place the night before.
This massive own-goal in the planning stakes rendered the 2011 BRITS nothing more than a nasty hangover. Just ask ”ËInternational Male Solo Artist’ Cee-Lo Green.
Lifting his sunglasses to reveal a pair of eyes that would put Withnail and I’s Danny to shame, the great man confessed it’d taken the allure of a private jet to haul his ass over the pond.
Pity his suffering was compounded by presenter James Corden’s embarrassing banter and an ill-advised pairing with Paloma Faith. Singing ”ËForget You’ they looked and sounded awkward – especially compared with last year’s genius Dizzee Rascal and Florence Welch mash-up.
Jarvis Cocker baring his arse; Geri’ Halliwell’s Union Jack dress; the effing Gallaghers”Â¦ the BRITS is supposed to be about controversy. Tonight it felt too safe. The party is officially over ”â killed by the disastrous monotone voiceover revealing a string of ”Ëfascinating facts’ about our winners.
Ah yes, the music. In all fairness, by and large, the judges got it right. Tinie Tempah and Arcade Fire were both double winners – picking up the awards for ”ËBritish Breakthrough Act’; ”ËBest Single’; ”ËInternational Album’ and ”ËInternational Group’ respectively.
The coveted ”ËMastercard British Album of the Year’ award went to banjo-twanging folk rockers Mumford & Sons for their sublime debut ”ËSigh No More’. Whether they are a cattle-prod’s poke away from a Kings of Leon-style stadium rock transformation remains to be seen. But their stripped-back performance without any pyrotechnics or hoopla was a personal highlight of the night.
Ditto previous ”ËCritic’s Choice’ award winner Adele, who delivered a devastatingly fragile performance of ”ËSomeone Like You’.
Plan B put Plan A into action walking away with the gong for ”ËBest British Male’. It’s the first of many BRITS to come I reckon for super-talented Ben Drew. His typically entertaining on-stage performance prompted a severe case of dÃÂ©ja vu as, not for the first time this year, we witnessed baton-wielding police officers charge a mob of fire extinguisher-brandishing youths.
Predictably Justin Bieber won ”ËInternational Breakthrough Artist’ ahead of Bruno Mars and The Temper Trap. Only the Cast of Glee could have been a more ridiculous choice. Then again, no- one wants to see a schoolboy cry – especially one with legions of hormonal Twitter fans.
Bizarrely the YouTube sensation called his manservant Mike up on stage to share his glory in one of the night’s many tumbleweed moments. Robbie Williams take note ”â saying ”ËShabba’ twice is not edgy – nor are harem pants. You’re in our ”ËBest British Group’ ”â sorry, man-band – for crying out loud!
The BRIT award itself may have had a Vivienne Westwood makeover but it’s the event that needs seriously examining. Hire Johnny Rotten to present and get Lemmy in to organise the bash. What say you?