The battle for the xmas number one, we look at the contenders

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How odd this all is.
A week before Christmas and everyone is a top forty expert.
No-one gives a toss about the charts all year. A cursory glance here and there and then it’s back to music again. The charts don’t really mean anything any more. What was once the battleground of pop culture is now a dull cul de sac full of blow dried, blow job, soft porn stage school prima donnas pimped for tabloid acceptance- a roll call for part time celebs and accountants wet dreams.
Not that sexy then.
What was once the barometer of pop action has long lost its shine. Huge bands never chart as the single has faded away into history. The charts are a blur of clever marketing- a deluge of reality TV talent bypasses scrapping it out.
Like who cares who is number seven in the top ten anymore?
But when it comes to Christmas we are all suddenly stirred into action again.
Every one gets interested.
Who are these tawdry tossers trying to get to number barging aside the occasional classic.
The Christmas chart is everyone’s battleground even if it’s more about giving Simon Cowell a bloody nose like last year.
The hilarious campaign to get Rage Against The Machine to number one was a great pop moment. Not only was it a great record it was also fantastically inappropriate, complete with swear words, for the family xmas number one. Perfect.
Joe Thingyimibob, who was beaten to number two in that race, was, we were assured on countless message board and forums for the dumb going to be massive this year and that horrible rock band that apparently no-one had heard of was going to fade away.
Mmmm, the schizophrenic world of pop! Joe Whatisname is already in the ”˜where are they now’ dumpster whilst Rage were already at the time stadium packing megastars.
This year there is another ungainly brawl for xmas number one. The facebook campaigns are in full force but they won’t work this time because they have ignored the two key rules in pop- you can only do a great trick once and also you can’t have a thousand people doing the same thing at the same time.
So what does that leave us with”¦.

2010 Christmas No. 1 contenders

Matt Cardle
The obvious favourite. A pretty dull rendition of the Biffy Clyro song sung by the latest forgettable pub singer with a voice everyone has forgotten already. It will be a nice fat cheque for the band and has got number one sewn up. All those hours of prime time TV and tabloid coverage as the machine cranks behind him will be as unbeatable as they are unbearable.

The Trashmen
The facebook campaign favourite. Underlining the high water mark of facebook power Rage was a great number one but the same trick won’t work again this year. A nonsensical distorted garageband romp that is also undeniably exciting. I’ve always really loved this song and the various covers of it from the likes of the Ramones.

John Cage
would have thought someone as dignified as John Cage would get involved in this ugly scramble? The other big facebook campaign is to push a cover of his piece of silence to the top of the charts. Genius. The concept will probably go over most people’s heads but in a time of too much music when every bar and every corner of our green and ghostly land is bombarded with terrible music it’s oddly comforting that a piece of silence is mooted for xmas number one.

Of course it has no chance.

Coldplay
Coldplay have generously decided to throw their expensive, knitted hats into the ring and take on the X factor machine.
Number four for one week is theirs.

The Cast of Glee
There’s something about this time of year that brings the worst out of people. This is the sound of the end of civilization and the same sort of mindset that was in place in the last days of Rome.
The aural equivalent of last weeks Brussel sprouts.

G*Mania
Featuring the ”˜voice of X Factor’, Peter Dickson apparently. Who the fuck is he and who they fuck are they? The sound of young people being told what to do by middle aged people who should know better.

Michael Jackson
A brand new Michael Jackson album is the obvious album chart number one but by the end of the year most people won’t be playing it. It’s all the bits and pieces of songs swept up off the floor when no-one was looking. Apparently the original title of the album was ”˜Cobbled together- volume one’.

Shane MacGowan and The Priests
Shane MacGowan who, for some, has become inextricably tied into xmas is actually the real spirit of xmas. The original xmas of the pagan mid winter party- a drink and drugs fueled, cold busting, solstice hoe down- sounds like a Pogues tour.
Shane has done aversion of ‘The Little Drummer Boy’.
Weird.

Mariah Carey
Pop diva Mariah has a xmas album out. Give this a very wide berth, she’s already rich enough.

Jedward
Are they actually anything to do with music? I didn’t realize they actually sang. They have been plucked from their busy schedule of appearances on the Radio Humdrum circuit and forced into the studio to auto tune their way through someone else’s song. No chance of the xmas number one- they would be better off getting those pantomime bookings sorted out.

Steve Brookstein
Remember him? Nope nor me. Apparently he was the first ever X factor winner. They were probably saying at the time he would the superstar of our times but his subsequent career serves as a stark warning to the conveyer belt of Cowell nobodies. Brookstein’s single won’t even get a sniff at the tightly closed buttocks of the xmas top 40.

The Beatles
It’s Beatlemania again as the fabs are running riot on itunes. They left it a bit late though – a year or two ago they would have owned the charts but the impact has gone. There is talk of an outside chance of the Beatles getting the xmas number one like they did back in the sixties. Doubt it.

Electric Six
Drunk student bar joke attempt to get the band’s half a joke song ‘Gay Bar’ to xmas number one. It wasn’t that funny the first time round.

Rick Astley
There is a sick streak in the UK of backing the hopeless loser. We call it the Wagner syndrome or Ann Widdecombe-itis. Rick is a part of this condition that comes with strange guffaws and a smirking expression. Irony is a cruel mistress and you should never wish for what you really don’t want- it may just happen.
Rick’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ serves as a reminder of the pre X factor era when pop was just as rubbish.

John Lennon
Lennon’s ‘Happy Xmas (War Is Over)’ never made it to xmas No. 1. Infact he only had one pre- death number one hit, even Ringo did better. But there is yet another facebook campaign to alter this. The 30th anniversary of his death may help this into the top twenty and a reminder of the days when singers could write songs. Weird concept.

Wagner
still clowning around like the longhaired, perma tanned, budgie smuggler, playboy on the beach. The sweltering lothario is apparently attempting a Christmas number one. Concentrate on opening those small town supermarkets big boy. Your time is up.

The Pogues
Like the drink sodden crew of desperadoes from the pub celebrating the true pagan spirit of xmas the Pogues’ ‘Fairytale of New York’ is one of the great songs and is as entwined into xmas as Slade’s ”˜Merry Christmas Everybody’. The Pogues have never been to number one but they have had too many runs at the chart to do it this time.

Harry Hill
Harry Hill is funny when he is taking the piss out of moribund mainstream TV. He’s rubbish at making records though.

Hurts
fellow Mancunians Hurts are attempting a run at the xmas number one. They are too doleful for the false bonhomie of this time of year.

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13 comments on “The battle for the xmas number one, we look at the contenders”

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  1. You’ve missed a big contender there….it wouldn’t be because it’s the most offensive song that could enter the Top 40 would it? Kunt and The Gangs “Use My Arsehole As A Cunt” currently has 7 versions of the song in the Amazon Top 50 – all of which will get combined as one entry for the proper chart. The song is also slowly moving up the iTunes chart. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mv1OigmYcvQ&has_verified=1

  2. The best Christmas track of 2011 – Poly Styrene’s ‘Black Christmas’; however she’s giving it away as a free download so it’s not chart eligable. There are many more out there; your own ‘City Of Christmas Ghosts’ again ft Poly Styrene is pretty good also…

  3. Quran (4:104) – “And be not weak hearted in pursuit of the enemy; if you suffer pain, then surely they (too) suffer pain as you suffer pain…”

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