when the tough get going the bullshitters get on TV - the Apprentice- a weekly blog/blag
when the tough get going the bullshitters get on TV - the Apprentice- a weekly blog/blag


The Apprentice week 2 – a cynical eye on a cynical show


The Apprentice Week 2


After last weeks explosive opening where, the human irritant and unable to shut up, Bilyana/Balaclava was removed by the SAS – an acronym for slap and stilettos, and a more worthy name than the lame Sterling, for a group of women who are more than willing to take out their opposition both within and outside their own team- the second instalment from the Alan Sugar game-show began with both teams claiming they were the tighter knit group. With that opening salvo you immediately sense the teams are about to rupture with internal divisions imminent, swiftly followed by recriminations, and you would be right. This week the contestants were set the task of designing a household gadget and both teams struggled to come up worth anything either team could agree unanimously on. Despite this the male team did slightly better than the females who struggled for a solitary idea and even more with any semblance of solidarity.


So with the male team constantly high-fiving and congratulating each other on their absurdly lucky win in the previous week’s episode, it was clear from the outset that this faux camaraderie was teetering on a very dodgy precipice. The ructions startedalmost from the off with a sub-team opposing the chosen product which was basically a black patent cafetiere which was somehow miraculously able to compress any waste food thus providing a solution to the whole problem of recycling. Recycling is obviously an issue with this team as they are constantly rehashing old ideas and clichés although are yet to attempt to try and think ”Ëœoutside the box’ as in previous series, usually with disastrous results.


The only alternative to the coffee compressor was a pair of rubber gloves with scourers and sponges attached. Why they didn’t go the whole way and attach a plunger to the coffee maker/ recycler then claim to have invented the Dalek is unclear but it would have been a better idea than any they put forward. Thinking outside the box is an alien concept in corporate business and independent thought usually actively discouraged therefore the thought of this particularly uptight bunch getting out their boxes never mind thinking outside them is pretty unimaginable though would prove highly amusing.


As it would transpire division in the boys team was not too much of a drawback as they were a up against a group of women- I struggle to call them a team as they bicker, screech and bitch almost incessantly- who are even more inept than they are.This must surely rank as the worst grouping of females The Apprentice has yet assembled. Unable to come up with a product better than a piece of plastic whose purpose was supposed to prevent any spillage from children splashing in the bath or a toe cosy to rest your feet whilst bathing, they were on a sure loser from the word go.  The end result was a piece of floppy Perspex which ultimately could only be described as a bit shit.


Like the boy’s team, divisions surfaced when opposition to the chosen product arose almost instantly. This weeks sacrifice, the neon blue eye shadowed Amy Winehousealike, Maria made the fatal mistake of falling asleep as the nasal tones of Jenna droned on and on ad nauseam. This woman-Jenna- should come with a mute setting as her adenoidal twang goes beyond annoying into the realms of justifiable homicide. Perhaps if someone removes the clothes peg which seems to be permanently attached to her nose creating that comedy voice her chances may improve-she is an obvious goner within the next few weeks as she is simply too irritating- although I did a double take along with the curmudgeon like Sugar when she announced she specialised in the beauty industry. I am not sure which area it is she specialises in but obviously it must be the part specialising on inner and silent beauty.


The hyenas were in full shriek when they reached the boardroom again this week and eventually project manager Jane took in Maria and, reluctantly, Jenna. Initially her first choice was to take in Katie who is clearly pissing the others off by being too pretty and with her, very vocal, opposition to the stupid product choice. Eventually Maria got fired but both Jenna and Jane had a lucky escape as they both deserved to go as well.

What next week needs is some of the male team in the Board Room as the feeling is they will be every bit as bitchy as the women if not even more so. Also not enough time has been afforded them as yet so it is still difficult to work out who is the most annoying/ obnoxious/ deserving of being humiliated. At the moment only Ricky,Steve and this weeks project manager Azhar-slated by the whole team as incompetent although in typical delusional fashion he refused to accept this- have stood out as being particularly twattish. Bring on week three!






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  1. […] Three weeks into the \’process\’-we are constantly informed it is not a game-show although it so …and this week\’s task was to enlist two teams of corporate cannibals, who have very little experience in the field, to first create a condiment and then sell it onto either trade or the public; a bit like an upmarket polyester suited Generation Game. The first task for host and quizmaster Alan Sugar was to even the two teams up as the female team, Sterling aka SAS, are operating with depleted ranks after losing the previous two tasks. […]


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