10 rubbish things about Christmas:
1. The Queen’s speech –
A bizarre half hour of dusty old England with memories of being forced to watch the droning talk from years ago being rekindled and still no escape from it. This is a strange portal into another England.
2. Relatives –
Who are these strange people cluttering up the house? All wearing their Christmas pullovers? What’s worse is that they are all warped versions of me, or am I a warped version of them?
3. Watching films you would never normally watch
How many rubbish films can you watch in a day? What has the Great Escape or the Italian Job got to do with Christmas anyway?
4. Too much broth spools the cook –
Christmas dinner, does anyone actually like this stuff? It’s one of those ‘traditions’ that’s only been going for about 100 years and exists in the weird world of the modern, just invented Christmas, where every custom- from the Coca-Colonisation of Santa Claus into a red and white outfit to the mass mania of Christmas shopping has been invented to prize your hard earned money from you.
5. Christmas trees –
Having half a tree in your house is actually quite odd when you think about it; another ‘tradition’ invented by the Victorians.
6. Christmas cards –
Trying to work out who has sent them to you and if you still know their address to grudgingly send one back is one of the rituals of the week before christmas.
How many pictures of robins, penguins and snow can a shelf take?
7. Travelling at Christmas –
Here we find the real Christmas spirit: the trains are overcrowded as well as being late and bad tempered and they bump the price up through the roof, and as for the planes and flying away from it all, well it’s time to squeeze every last penny from the passenger, Happy Christmas!
8. Christmas hats –
Does anyone really think it’s funny wearing a paper hat on their head whilst eating their dinner? It’s all a bit sad clown at the party don’t you think?
9. Christmas carols –
Carols are strange songs that actually sound quite demented with their false bonhomie and hysteria combined with the droning organ
10. Christmas presents –
How many pairs of wacky socks can a man accept with a watered down grin?