Happy Christmas mr. Psycho Cat!

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10 rubbish things about Christmas – by John Robb

10 rubbish things about Christmas:

1. The Queen’s speech

A bizarre half hour of dusty old England with memories of being forced to watch the droning talk from years ago being rekindled and still no escape from it. This is a strange portal into another England.

2. Relatives

Who are these strange people cluttering up the house? All wearing their Christmas pullovers? What’s worse is that they are all warped versions of me, or am I a warped version of them?

3. Watching films you would never normally watch

How many rubbish films can you watch in a day? What has the Great Escape or the Italian Job got to do with Christmas anyway?

4. Too much broth spools the cook

Christmas dinner, does anyone actually like this stuff? It’s one of those ‘traditions’ that’s only been going for about 100 years and exists in the weird world of the modern, just invented Christmas, where every custom- from the Coca-Colonisation of Santa Claus into a red and white outfit to the mass mania of Christmas shopping has been invented to prize your hard earned money from you.

5. Christmas trees

Having half a tree in your house is actually quite odd when you think about it; another ‘tradition’ invented by the Victorians.

6. Christmas cards

Trying to work out who has sent them to you and if you still know their address to grudgingly send one back is one of the rituals of the week before christmas.

How many pictures of robins, penguins and snow can a shelf take?

7. Travelling at Christmas

Here we find the real Christmas spirit: the trains are overcrowded as well as being late and bad tempered and they bump the price up through the roof, and as for the planes and flying away from it all, well it’s time to squeeze every last penny from the passenger, Happy Christmas!

8. Christmas hats

Does anyone really think it’s funny wearing a paper hat on their head whilst eating their dinner? It’s all a bit sad clown at the party don’t you think?

9. Christmas carols

Carols are strange songs that actually sound quite demented with their false bonhomie and hysteria combined with the droning organ

10. Christmas presents

How many pairs of wacky socks can a man accept with a watered down grin?

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Award winning journalist and boss of Louder Than War. In a 30 year music writing career, John was the first to write about bands such as Stone Roses and Nirvana and has several best selling music books to his name. He constantly tours the world with Goldblade and the Membranes playing gigs or doing spoken word and speaking at music conferences.


  1. And here are a few I missed….
    11. Morecambe and Wise….were funny once but on TV far too much at xmas now…make me think of the Daily Mail, which is not a good thing.
    12. The Great Escape….is there anyone left who hasn’t seen this?
    13. Xmas TV hell…films you have seen hundred times…films you never want to see again…christmas come dancing….top of the pops full of x factor people everyone has already forgotten…

  2. I think the most rubbish thing about Christmas is moron who writes a list of things they dont like Christmas so they appear for on a tweet belonging to other sad Johnny no mates. Well Merry Christmas you sad gits. I like all of the above and so do many others with a social rating of more than -9. Go take a bath and you might get some friends.

    • It seems like the most rubbish thing about Christmas to you is people having a different opinion to your own. Ironically, the ‘Christmas spirit’ you presumably love you seem to be fresh out of. As is evidenced by the fact that you have seen fit to post this pretty awful comment of Christmas Day.

  3. Great list…agree with all of it…infect I think you missed a few, could easily think of another ten.
    What about adding at number 11, sad gits who complain about pointless lists but read them anyway! And then write a comment full of typos!

  4. Yeah..hmm..ok…God becomes a baby, who grows up and then thousands of years later you get his followers frantic and dictatorial from the pulpit, about people having sex outside marriage…while wearing a dress and a dog collar.. And the REALLY weird thing is that it all started with Mary saying to Joseph, “I’m having a baby and it isn’t yours.” The entire thing is very very very strange. Cheers.

  5. I’m at a friends in LA for Christmas and him being Jewish I thought great I can escape all the tired trappings of traditional Blighty. On Christmas morning at 8am he cranked out Bob Dylans Christmas album at full blast, which I never knew even existed. Dylan can really murder a carol, sounds like gravel going through a spin cycle.

  6. John, you are a very funny man. I shall take your list with a pinch of salt. And a blob of cranberry sauce.

    Merry Christmas to you, sir!

    (“CRANBERRY SAUCE!!” – John Lennon, 1966)

  7. Did you look for the easiest target and most obvious cliches or what? Is this website now ‘grumpy old punks’? Where’s the writing gone John?

    Christmas is fucking great btw.

  8. The futility of trying to convince your children that a fat bearded bloke in a coke suit is going to sneak into the house at night to leave them presents, when you have spent the rest of the year telling them to avoid strangers offering gifts.

  9. Try been a chef at Xmas if you want to experience the true horror of this ‘Celebratory’ period.
    Endless fucking turkey (does anyone ACTUALLY like this shit?), mince pies and sprouts. Party nights with Beatles tribute bands (I despise the original band so how do you think a bunch of middle aged tossers howling through ‘Love Me do’ sits with me?), Elvis impersonators and shit-faced secretaries who will wake up the following morning, reeking of shame and guzzling morning-after pills.
    Worst thing is, the kitchen cd player is knackered so my standard sonic companion of Black Metal, Rammstein and N.W.A has been replaced by Radio 1.
    As a bald bloke once said, “The horror, the horror…”

  10. Worst thing is all the gigs stop… except this year there are two good free ones in Manchester on 23/12 and another free one on 21/12 but then not much until end of first week of 2013, if the world lasts that long! Shit is coming down! httpss://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_TmoCYy8xfk

  11. The comments down here were more entertaining than your list. Sure some stuff is shite at crimbo but that’s wot makes us British ;0)


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