Seven Songs That Were Already There But Ignored For Eurovison 2014

Seven Songs That Were Already There But Ignored For Eurovison 2014

Eurovision is just around the corner and the UK have picked a monumentally awful song. Does anyone still care about Eurovision? YES. Keith Goldhanger cares. Keith cares A LOT!!!!

With Eurovision looming again and tickets being purchased for alternative musical events like Brighton’s Great Escape so we can avoid watching the worlds best music making nation in the world finish closer to the bottom than the top yet again, it’s worth the annual bitch, not at the competition itself (although some of us quit being interested and holding annual sweepstakes whilst hosting parties about the same time that Mr Wogan also bailed out) but at those deluded people that are choosing some has beenwill be holiday red coat type act to sing a song that will probably be about peace throughout the universe with arms hugging the planet in a kinda wish we were Abba stylee with an occasional cliche thrown in hinting at a current International political topic (this year – Ukraine) whilst then proclaiming that this time … more than any other time … this time … we’ll get it right.

People who think they know loads about music but know fuck all ……… (Eurovision are easy targets granted) they’re the ones that work on the board of the UK Eurovision committee (if indeed such thing exists) and they probably get paid loads of money every bloody year which would be better off being donated for touring indie bands so they can fix their vans when they break down on the motorways with nothing but a Ginsters pie to share between them before the AA arrive ( “… er , we are in the AA aren’t we?”, as the catchphrase goes on occasions like this).

Or, they could give the money to me and get a better chance of getting into the top half of the competition with a little credibility intact, thus avoiding all those telephone call in’s that Nicky Campbell will be hosting on the following Monday morning after the Eurovision song contest on Radio 5 with the subject: Why don’t people like us/are our songs that shit/what do we do about this next year then ?

So who would I have chosen to represent the UK if given the golden chalice six months ago, or whenever the wheels began moving on such a subject ?

Give me some of that money you (the BBC, I imagine) are throwing towards those who already have shed loads of it and I’ll find you something that I guarantee will be better than what the current people who choose such things have chosen.

This job currently belongs to a bloke called Guy Freeman (I Googled it) who comes out with things such as (adopts posh voice that may not be like his – he could be a decent geezer for all I know) “…. a bespoke song written specifically to suit the conditions of the competition”.

Rubbish Idea mate – get the tunes on the table first then decide which one is the best suited. Sort out the breakfast Cereal adds from the childrens cartoon series soundtracks and if you think there’s something sitting there for Eurovision then suggest it, find fifty more and get more people involved and ask them what they think. Ask people like US who stand in dark rooms week after week day after day, hour after hour avoiding having communicate with our friends as we watch a bunch of complete strangers make a racket with guitars and suchlike.

Choose an artist that is prepared to sit in a van for a couple of months leading up to the final to promote this tune (and everything else in the artists repertoire – gotta think about albums here) around Europe so people will pick up on the tune and vote for us.

Which is what some other countries do.

Usually the ones that win.

If you read the nonsense what’s been written about how the final UK song and artist finally came to be decided this year then you’ll read about a young lady, discovered by looking at artists that have been championed by BBC Introducing (a very good idea) by the name of Molly … I didn’t get as far as her surname, singing a song called Children of the Universe containing lyrics written by an eight year old in detention (I made that bit up).

Before you hear the song you can almost believe the blurb about “going for this seriously this year”…..

And guess what?

The UK entry yet again sucks.

It will be forgotten again in six months time and those scoffing at this will look back in a few years time (having given up asking why didn’t we win within about a week of the show) wondering whether they should have given ME the job in the 1st place.

Not that I’ve ever seen an advert for the position but if you’re still interested BBC or need a hand Mr Freeman (I couldn’t find an Email address and you don’t seem to have a twitter account) then please keep in mind that I can start in a month, I’d like Tuesday afternoons off, I’m usually at the football on Saturdays and I’m partial for a bit of a lay in on Friday mornings.

Therefore in anticipation of the UK failing yet again to finish in the top ten, let alone actually winning the Eurovision contest I’ll give you these tunes for free that have warmed my heart and made me tap my feet over the past few months. Tunes that I would argue would have been available eight months ago by artists that were walking this earth and available to respond to such questions along the lines of “Would you like to represent the UK with this song for the 2014 Eurovision song contest?” (regardless of what we imagine they would have said to us in response, but if you don’t ask you don’t get, do you?)

I have already taken some of these tunes down the old peoples home in order to gauge their reaction and for some of them to give their opinion on.

Those getting paid loads of money by the BBC (maybe) to pick a song that will represent the UK in Eurovision or him that drinks overpriced warm lager on a Tuesday night in small establishments whilst wearing his fashionable HOPE OF THE STATES T-Shirt in the East End of London and could do with some extra cash.

Song Number One: Ecstasy


I’ve ranted about these before and yet again they don’t seem to be up to much still, so a foray into the world of Television, bright lights, a few days in Copenhagen and national tabloid exposure wouldn’t get in their way for the six months I’m sure. Three young blokes and two young ladies that make dreamy, synth based music that if you hold your ears at the right angle could sound a bit like ABBA would sound like if they were under thirty years old and still full of ideas and enthusiasm to entertain us (in dark rooms in Camden Town). They’ll hate me for lumping them into the world of Eurovision but I’m fighting for my territory here, a man has to do what a man has to do … this band would look ace on the telly and 87 year old Stanley who I played this to thought as much as well even though after five listens, his teeth fell out into his china mug as he slowly drifted into his afternoon nap in order that he could be wide awake for his daily fix of Deal or no Deal.

“Better than BLUE” were his opening words just before Noel appeared and we had to turn the stereo off.

Song Number Two: Femme


I’ve ranted about this artist before as well and what Femme understands is that to become famous in the world of international showbiz, ( ie playing gigs not in Dalston) one needs to get on a ferry and dance around the continent waving your arms in the air whilst singing catchy songs like Fever Boy – She too (I think her name is Laura) will hate me for lumping her into the world of Eurovision but I need the cash and sometimes Eurovision needs catchy songs that we can sing whilst doing the washing up. Does ANYONE (or did anyone ever) sing whatever it was ENGLEBERT sang when he represented the UK ? This tune is fantastic washing up music and great for folding the duvet covers too. Femme are already conquering the continent and wooing the European masses which if this was leading to a song competition to be broadcast live across 56 countries (don’t ask me to explain that bit, and anyway I’m kinda making a lot of this up as I go along) then we’d be sure of a few additional votes from the French and anywhere else Femme happen to be playing this year. (Not the UK though, you can’t vote for your own country and even if you could we’d still lose).

This drove the room crazy in the old people’s home. The same room that my CD copy got stolen from. I’ll find out one day who this was and I’ll be seriously kickin’ some arse when I find the culprit.

Song Number Three: Embers


Imagine how fuckin cool it would be if this appeared on our telly to represent the UK. I would suggest that Embers should stay well way from this themselves and just carry on what they’re currently planning because selfishly I want more of this band and I think it needs suggesting that if any of these artists were to get the gig then it would quite probably ruin the ambition and credibility that they currently are striving for (and in my little world, currently achieving). They’ll hate me for lumping them into the world of Eurovision (there’s a pattern emerging here) but this song by Manchester band Embers should be given to some cool Pavarotti looking chap in a suit with someone else dressed as an animal (let’s say for the sake of argument a penguin) wandering aimlessly around the stage whilst some performance artists all dressed in black behave weirdly (well, BBC Weirdly) in the foreground. The Europeans would love it, pick up the phone and vote. Embers would rake in the publishing moola and become financially sorted for travelling around the UK safe in the knowledge that their AA annual membership was in the bag.

However no one in the home for the elderly liked this very much.

Song Number Four: Near Death Experience


The old people weren’t very appreciative of this band either. I think it was maybe just the name, but we can work around this. I met this bloke outside the Shacklewell Arms last summer at closing time. “This bloke can sing” I was told, and the next minute he was singing to me as I dodged the traffic. This would work very well with Eurovision. They’ll hate me for lumping them into the world of Eurovision but this band aren’t doing much else as far as I can tell and I’m sure they’d be available to travel to Denmark and they’d be very well behaved whilst at the same time entertaining the locals at closing time just like they have been know to do in East London.

Song Number Five: Crystal Bats


Always good to have something a bit 80s sounding in Eurovision. Crystal Bats will hate me for being included in this but this is an ace tune and Crystal Bats need to be applauded for doing what they do. The remarkable thing about this tune was it got the OAPs hands in the air ,swaying from side to side, one man got his lighter out, twelve women started to try and sing along although they just sort of mumbled, out of synch and out of tune. They enjoyed it, I’m not sure wether this was because we were coming to an end and they were looking forward to their cocoa but they liked this lots and again they started asking …. why wasn’t this considered, why were these two lovely boys not approached?

OK, they’d have probably told us to fuck off, held us tightly in a headlock, and stuffed hot chillies up our nostrils, however this is all hypothetical and I hope these bands don’t take offence to this. I can’t just ridicule the decisions made without using some examples that are better. Being better at Eurovision isn’t too hard I’ll grant you and next year, once the BBC give me that barrow full of money I’ll only use examples of artists that give me permission.

Look, I bet they wrote this song ages ago …. couldn’t somone have listened to this and approached this duo six months ago ? They may have said no, they may have sworn and they may have thrown things against walls ….. but then again, they might, possibly, not have done.

OK they wouldn’t.

Song Number Six: Paul Thomas Saunders


This bloke looks like he’s about twelve years old and should maybe be in One Direction so I’m not scared of what he thinks, although his dad is probably build like a brick shit house so I’ll go back to being nice and polite.

Anyone who writes songs will tell you. Write hundreds and you might get a good one. Write thousands and you might get a great one. Write one specifically for an occasion and you’d need to be very very lucky indeed to get it right first time. Bands that come and go and bands that come and grind away throwing substandard copies of their initial breakthrough song litter the music world. This is because bands form, rehearse, rehearse, rehearse, gig, gig, gig, record, re-record, hit on something they belive the world should hear and then if fortunate enough to not be misguided have hoards of people like you and me discussing their achievements over a pint in the evenings. This can take years. Following this up can be required to happen withing weeks. That’s why many bands fade away and become crap so fast. That’s why some of us stand around in dark rooms on wet Tuesday nights and probably won’t be interested in going to see (insert name of forty something bunch of blokes who had six months of fame with no competition and can’t get a job at ASDA) or (insert name of solo artist who took too many drugs in the 80’s that no one wants to be in a room with them anymore) or (insert name of artist who no one has seen a photo of or heard sing for over thirty years but are willing to pay an unthinkable large amout of money to see).

Paul Thomas Saunders already has loads of great songs and this is one of them.

Just think, twelve months ago someone, working for the BBC Eurovision selection committee (if such thing exists) could have walked into a room somewhere and heard this and realised it ticked all the right boxes and we would be sitting here today appreciating that a fraction of our TV licence (well, your TV licence to be more accurate) had gone to good use. Of course, Paul Thomas Saunders will hate me for describing this song as a Eurovision song. It’s not, It’s a great song, a fantastic song and I’m sure he’d have told us ever so politely to go and do one had anyone asked if this could be used.

Finally …..

Song number seven : Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer


This wasn’t my choice.

This got given to me by an over enthusiastic 82 year old man who got all excited about Eurovision because he still watches that video of the Irish Chicken that was chosen to represent Ireland for the simple reason that they really did not want to host this show any more (probably).

Old Ben as he’s known around here, has a scrap book of various German entries in the 90’s that were …. let’s say, never likely to win but very entertaining nevertheless. He reckons the UK should go this way. He argues that the BBC would be better off not winning and insists that Mr B the Gentleman Rhymer would be a superb representative for the UK. I tell Ben that Mr B would hate being included in this but then Ben reminds me that this isn’t a serious list and that in no way should we be tarnishing the reputations of these artists.

Old Ben is right.

These are examples that have been chosen because to simply approach the BBC accusing them of being incompetent on such matters would probably have them pointing a finger in my direction asking if I could do any better.

I think I can.

Listen :


This is the song that has been hailed as “a powerful and impressive song that we hope will do us proud in Copenhagen”

It’s our UK entry for the 2014 Eurovision song contest. It’s probably the worst tune that 27 year old Molly Smitten Downes has ever sung. I preferred the one she did about the rain but anyway, this is more about getting someone out there to give me a wad of cash. Good luck in Eurovision Molly, I think you’ll need it. And good luck with the rest of your career. I hope to be hearing in a few years time wether or not you thought this has been worth it. Your own tunes aren’t bad, if you come and play at the Old Blue Last one night I’ll pop over for a pint …. anyway ….

People, you decide before the rest of Europe do.

I’ll be at the Great Escape.



Performers mentioned in this rant can be found at the following social media outlets: Ecstasy, Femme, Englebert Humperdinck, Embers, Luciano Pavarotti, Near Death Experience, Crystal Bats, Paul Thomas Saunders, One Direction, Mr. B The Gentleman Rhymer, Molly Smitten Downes

All words by Keith Goldhanger. More work by Keith on Louder Than War can be found here. He’s also on SoundCloud here, Facebook here and tweets as @HideousWheeelInv.

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Keith Goldhanger -- Spent the '90s as a frontman with London noise merchants HEADBUTT - spent the '80s in 'Peel favourites' BASTARD KESTREL. Spent a few years mashing up tunes and remixing bands as HIDEOUS WHEEL INVENTION. Is often out and about getting in the way of things and bumping his head on low ceilings - Will give your band the time of day but will dislike any band that balances full pints of alcohol on the top of guitar amps (Not keen on lead singers that wear hats either).


  1. Whilst I do not 100% agree with your comment about this year’s song I do however like Requise. We have been missing a good girl/boy group for a very long time and I have always thought there would be a big market for this. Cheers, steve.


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