No WOMBLES, LURKERS OR THE ROLLING STONES … Keith's final words on the Olympics

Hopefully you’ve all been enjoying Keith’s alternative view of the Olympic Games these past few weeks. Here he is returning one last time with his final thoughts on the never to be repeated (In our lifetime anyway) (probably) London Olympic Games.

Mat Bellamy’s SHIT BEARD = discuss …

…or don’t. Because its OVER. FINISHED. FOREVER. IT’S A WRAP ! CLAIRE BALDING’S GONE TO CHANNEL 4. NOT INTERESTED. TALK TO THE HAND.. move along now there’s nothing more to see….. And already the football season is here and all the good work achieved by “dedicated” athlete’s and volunteers wearing big pink pointy fingers will all be undone the minute those overpaid professional footballers kick the 1st ball into the stands and call each other wankers (and worse)…..

THIS is the “legacy” I for one would like to see;

Forget persuading everyone to go to athletic clubs that’ll probably raise their subscriptions starting now, or additional PE lessons in schools taking precedent over Geography lessons and Maths. Let’s talk about FOOTBALLERS who we all follow on twitter and go “Aahhh…” every time they say something nice about female boxing and Gary Barlow and visiting their local Nando’s to let their (expensively transplanted) hair down. These people who earn HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POUNDS A YEAR are the one’s who represent “one of the biggest industries in the UK” and influence the children of our future and ARE ALSO THE BIGGEST LETDOWN OF OUR GENERATION. If anything can get THEM to change, and to see that us, the British public rather enjoy a bit of sportsmanship now and then as well as a little respect towards your competitors and paying audience,and seeing people not only impressing us with their skills but with their thoughtful “we’re all in this together” frame of mind then MAYBE we as a nation can then pat each other on the back and start to go out on a Saturday afternoon and sit next to our mates even though we support different teams (which we can do in pubs whilst getting pissed but not in stadiums)

Think about it. EVEN POP STARS BEHAVE BETTER THAN THESE PEOPLE and not only are they getting paid shed loads of wonga week in and week out, they are still getting away with living in a world about 30 years behind everyone else BECAUSE THEY ARE FOOTBALLERS. And football, as much as I love watching it on a Saturday night and occasionally going down the Orient (£23.00 !!!) ……is SHIT.

It is too expensive, not enough money is distributed down to the lower levels and it is something that we as a nation are not very good at even though there’s an infrastructure in place telling us all that it’s brilliant. Football as an industry, is in a much better position to change attitudes and put money where their collective mouths are and change things. But will Wayne, John, Rio, little Michael and Joey amongst others actually do any more than congratulate Mo Farah on twitter for winning a gold medal via their i-phones? Will we see funding for would be athletes suddenly appear from these overpaid spoilt boys from this industry that charges all that money for a replica kit(s) and who shrugg when “fined” for screaming obscenities in front of TV cameras after they’ve scored a goal even though 7 and 8 year olds will be watching AND COPYING THIS in the playground come Monday morning ?

Or, have these “sportsmen” been influenced now to put a drop of their millions into supporting some struggling venues or rehearsal studios that are required in order that the next MUSE, ELBOW or COLDPLAY can also come through and not have to fiddle signing on dates or restart interviews (or whatever the equivalent is nowadays) in order to practice what they also believe in as much as the athletes we have all recently been watching. FOOTBALL is a culture that doesn’t even help itself so why would anyone expect football to help others? I would guess that the answer will be NO and that is why i get very pissed off when i see footballers on twitter commenting on something as glorious as an 800 Meters world record or a 19 year old from North Wales who has just kicked someone enough times to win a gold medal or how wonderful Elbow are as they play out songs that in my ears are now over four years old. If You professional footballers out there really care (and understand) how much hard work went into getting 29 gold medals and all those bands to get involved in the festivities then put your fuckin money where your twitter finger is.

THAT IS the “legacy” that I for one would like to see….

Which is a shame because I travel across East London the morning after it has all ended and see people saying goodbye to people they’ve never met before because they look like they’re on the way “home” and not some random individual from Epping going to Tenerife for a fortnight, and the pink tube station signs have changed from pointing towards the stadium to pointing away from the stadium and the words OLYMPIC STADIUM now poignantly say RIO DE JANEIRO.

Life in East London goes on and our local Library is still in the process transforming itself into a pub. Bikes are still being stolen from outside the tube station, Sharon Watts is back in town, all our shops are painted nice bright colours which no one got to see and we have a new exit to the tube station. Everyone is happy and full of hope that this feeling will last for ever, but as already stated, the football season starts on Saturday and the chances of Leyton Orient getting 3 points this side of October will surely bring the locals back to earth whilst elsewhere else around the country, the stadiums will be full of people swearing obscenities towards the ref or opposing players, and fans, or stewards or the telly and singing bastardised Beach Boys songs that think make them sound clever. All we’ve witnessed the past two weeks will have been forgotten and those nice team GB shirts will be replaced by club colours with even bigger advertising logo’s spread across them stained with tomato ketchup from the burgers they’ve weaned themselves back on.

I’ve loved the fact the the big white arena in Greenwich has been called the “Greenwich arena” and not the “(insert name of mobile phone company) arena” and It’s been nice to watch sporting events without the usual amount of sponsored logos pushed in our faces every 5 minutes (they were there – granted, but more discreet than usual) -I’ve enjoyed Gabby on the BBC with all her enthusiasm and control over guests that shouldn’t have even be considered to go on tv (John Mcenroe) and it’s been nice travelling home on the tube late at night with sober people as opposed to PISSED UP OFFICE LADS EATING BURGERS AND CHIPS AND LEAVING THE RUBBISH ON THE SEAT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO PICK UP.

And I fuckin loved the closing ceremony where we learned that even after all this hullabaloo regarding expense, advertising, winning a lot of medals and Des Lynams declaration of Love for the voice of Mr Lineker we can now sleep in our beds at night still knowing that we still disagree with WHAT THOSE IN CHARGE OF SUCH EVENTS CONSTITUTES A GREAT ARTIST OR SONG…..where were Chaz and Dave, Jarvis, Robbie Williams, Cliff Fuckin Richards, Adelle, BROS, Jagger, Supertramp,Boy George, Bruce fuckin Forsythe, Weller, that DOG that won Britains got Talent (FIFTY FUCKIN QUID i spent on telephoning ITV to help that win ! ) where were the Bay City Rollers …er rewind…….. That was RIDE yeah ? and that was Les Mckeown from the Bay City Rollers singing an Oasis song yeah? and him from the Housemartins in a big stripey shirt yeah? and Freddy brought back from the dead yeah ? – actually NO that was Jessie J wasn’t it and what happened to the right leg of her costume between her being Jessie J and being Freddy? and THE NOLANS turning up on those taxi’s was fuckin fab, and Brian Mays’ dog he brought with him …..but that wasn’t Bowie was it? Or Kate Bush ? Or Keith Moon ? or Mick Hucknel singing that Pink Floyd song ?or the Bee Gees ? was the BATMAN and ROBIN bit a nod to the FATHERS FOR JUSTICE ? and where were Razorlight ? (don’t answer that i’m just checking you’re still here) and where were Spandau Ballet and why didn’t they sing that song ? and will Duran Duran get a better PRS check than Spandau in 4 years time? and will anyone, someone please write some new songs with the words “Gold” and “Rio” in them before 2016, and can it not be CSS please unless its as good as that one about “making love to Death from above”? and will anyone still know who the Kaiser Cheifs are in four years time? Does anyone know who they are NOW? I liked the way we all got a little closer and had a bit of a love-in thanks to Danny Boyle and i liked the way we returned to our corners two weeks later thanks to Jessie Bloody J, George Bloody Michael,the Bloody Kaiser chiefs and ONE DIRECTION ….you can add to that list yourselves.

….And one more name to add to the list of missing that deserves a sentence on it’s own. Amy Winehouse. Has she been forgotten already ?

Today I’m missing the big balloons hovering over the garden and scaring the cat. The Helicopters aren’t there any more, it’s raining, everyone who owns a purple/red official top or a blue/white official top or a red/blue official top is doing their washing. The lights aren’t switched on in those commentry boxes place on the high rise flats,I’ve not seen a firework display for 48 hours,I’ve missed the final 2 weeks of Big Brother. I’ve missed watching adverts, I don’t know what to buy any more when i go shopping,or which insurance company to subscribe to. or whether i should start to claim for an accident i havn’t even had yet. Why isn’t Deal or no Deal on anymore? why IS big brother still on? and how much would a hologram of MARK E SMITH cost for next time ? And finally, can that burger company now take their fuckin wallpaper down that they decorated the train station with please ?

P.S They let me on the big wheel in the end – It was ACE !

All words Keith Goldhanger. To read Keith’s other Olympic reports go here. Keith is on twitter as HIDEOUSWHEELINV.

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Keith Goldhanger -- Spent the '90s as a frontman with London noise merchants HEADBUTT - spent the '80s in 'Peel favourites' BASTARD KESTREL. Spent a few years mashing up tunes and remixing bands as HIDEOUS WHEEL INVENTION. Is often out and about getting in the way of things and bumping his head on low ceilings - Will give your band the time of day but will dislike any band that balances full pints of alcohol on the top of guitar amps (Not keen on lead singers that wear hats either).


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