Louder Than War Alternative Queens Christmas Speech 2017
given by, the one and only, the legendary…
Jayne County is an iconic and influential figure. She was at the Stonewall riots, worked with Andy Warhol, hung out with David Bowie, Lou Reed and Divine. Was in Derek Jarman’s Jubilee and fronted punk rock band the Electric Chairs who released the classic ‘Fuck Off’ in 1977. Her life as a ‘cissy-boy’, ‘tranny’ and transsexual is documented in her biography Man Enough To Be A Woman.
Before you read her Queen’s Speech you need to know what she sounds like when she speaks… so if you’ve never heard her, check out a video interview on YouTube – it’s that kinda Deep South / Georgia, Southern Belle drawl. She has a vicious tongue and employs some great turns of phrase; Trump is a “Possum Turd from Planet Shithouse” for example. When the UK government voted that ‘Animals Can’t Feel Pain’ she exclaimed (on Facebook) “Tory Scum! Yes animals do feel pain you Subhuman Slugs!”
For these and many other reasons she is a fit and (im)proper person to give Louder Than Wars readers the benefit of her wisdom in the first Louder Than War – Alternative Queens Speech – 2017
Good evening and good day all you, out of line, out of the system and just plain out of your fucking heads Rock’n’ Roll, Children Of The Revolution!
This is Rock n Roll Trans Punk Pioneer, Jayne County with a Christmas message.
As you know, the entire world is in quite a state at the moment! If you didn’t know that then you are either dead or so stoned you don’t know what planet you’re on! May I suggest you propping yourselves up a bit on your pillows and cleaning out those dirty ears with some alcohol. I said use it to to clean out your ears not drink it you nasty little man you!
I am afraid that things are hurtling totally out of control! Things are FUUUUUCKED UP!!! Basically everyone wants to kill everyone else! No one is getting along! I think it’s OK to say that religion. is pretty much to blame but there are maybe a few more petty reasons! Sometimes I wish that they all WOULD go on and kill each other, and leave the rest of us alone! The Powers That Be have made a mess that in my opinion cannot be remedied! It’s got to be pretty pathetic when the only hope we have is an Alien Invasion and whose to say even they would be friendly!
I know that during this special holiday season some of us are going to be depressed and feel terrible, unwanted, when we don’t receive that one Christmas gift that we don’t get. And after you’ve dropped hint after hint to your family and all of your crappy friends who have the fucking audacity to buy you a fucking pair of socks from off the market instead of that new IPhone you were praying on getting! Cheap bastards!
But don’t let that get you down! After all it is better to give than to receive or some other retarded bullshit from the Good Book!
No, don’t let that get you down! Life has a way of working out for the best ! Just keep telling yourself the next time you are at the pub and you don’t have enough money to buy the next round or not even an extra half pint of lager and black to send you on your way!
Yes, life is a banquet but most sons of bitches are starving to death but never you mind! You still have your Queen and glorious Royal Family to remind you that you are lucky to live in a wonderful democracy where everyone is equal and all are happy with the lot that God so graciously has adorned us with!
Yes, we have the wonderful and ever so cool Tories to remind you everyday that it’s still OK to punch some twat in the face and kick some wankers ass for The Glory of Rome! Oh sorry I mean Britain! The Glory Of Britain!
Poor Theresa May! Having to put up with a pathetic female abusing fascist scum bag like Donald Trump! She should let him come to Britain then have him arrested and put in the TOWER! The charge? Being a fuckin’ asshole! Not that Teresa’s such a grand catch. Who is her hair dresser? Groucho Marx? That’s Groucho not Karl!
Anyways, there will always be an England and America will always be there to insult and threaten you if you are a BAD BOY!!! So how happy we all should be and how lucky we all are to be so thrilled to live in such a dangerous time – not seen since the days of pre-World War Two! (Watch those Germans, they are up to something again! The Holy Roman Empire is back! )
But even with some people preaching Doom and Gloom at every corner we all as humans upon the great planet that we every day are fucking up more and more, should hold our heads up high and let the wind blow our curls and the sun shine into our eyes even if you are bald and sing there will always be an England…
But to help you get through theses sometimes very trying times I have come up with a TOP TEN LIST to get you through the hard times if your luck runs out and you feel you are ready for a dumpster dive!
10. Never trust The Tories! They aren’t as bad as Amerikas RepubliKKKans but they are bad enough!
9. Never trust Labour! Believe me each side are out to get you! Pulling the wool over your eyes are what these ones are best at. They are similar to Amerikas Democrats but a bit better I would say! I have found that both the patriots on each side, right or left will lead you on like sheep! They will take control and lead you up the garden path faster than a hound can tree a possum! Don’t trust either side! We are way past 1984!
8. Don’t trust any political party! Power corrupts. The second that they are in ther that will start fucking up and trampling on everything they told you they would do!
7. Get a lot of cats! Animals you can trust! Fuck humans!
6. LAMPS!!! Get as many lamps as your house or flat can hold! Lamps can switch the light on and off in a second. The lamps will act as therapy! Sit there switching them on and off on and off till you feel better! The weirder the lamp looks the better! Go to thrift shops or charity shops and check out all la fab lamps! There are some really strange lamps about! I collect lamps my self and I have them literally everywhere! The ones who have an Ancient Greek or Roman look are great. I once had the pleasure of finding a lamp that had an ancient Egyptian flavor to it and I was over the moon! I must have switched it on and off hundreds of times! On and off. On and off! Also it leaves you with a feeling that you have some control over your life! Turn on the light! Turn off the light! Lamp therapy is great. And take it from someone like me who needs therapy ! It works!
5. Music. Music does the trick! And you can start with ME! I’m all over! ITunes, spotify, Amazon etc. get my latest EP The Jayne County Five and the single by me and Jimi La Lumia, ‘Leave My Pussy Alone!’ Its against animal experimentation especially CATS which is totally inhumane. So music can lift your spirits when you are down. I sometimes like to think of myself as a sort of magic maker with the music. Music can affect both your physical and your mental state! So fill your like with music! People seem to think that sines I have been associated with the Punk Movement that that must be all I listen to. But that’s not true. of me or most of the other groups associated with the Punk Movement! People like the Ramones or Joe Strummer or Lenny Kaye. We started out listening to old music and were influenced by it. I love 60’s Garage music myself among many other things. Things like The Count Five, The Pretty Things and The Castaways. The Music Machine, The Blues Magoos and British Music like The Dave Clark Five and the early STONES when they were a band of young Brits playing the Blues. All kinds of music has something to offer, why limit yourself! Even the well know Punk bands were influenced by something that came before. Joey Ramone loved oldies. Dee Dee loved the early Stones like the very first Stones LP. I had the pleasure of performing with Joey and Dee Dee at the Continental back in the nineties. I got to sing the Stones version of the old Muddy Waters song, ‘ I Just Wanna Make Love To You!’ Believe me, singing with Joey and Dee Dee was an honor and I will never forget that moment!
4. Thrift shopping . Nothing like relieving stress like finding something incredible for almost nothing or an extremely low price. And so much in a thrift store can be one of a kind or something you can’t find anymore! It’s a thrill almost like taking a drug! It’s a real RUSH! The lamps I have found! And furniture! I can’t but expensive new furniture because I have aLOT of cats and they ruin the furniture! If you are gonna make the choice to have CATS then you can’t have nice furniture! So make up your mind! I let my cats wreck my furniture then I buy new stuff second hand so it’s not to bad. It’s impossible to stop them from scratching up your furniture so go with the thrift store brand!
3. Small Circle Of Friends. Friends are great BUT the less you have the better! You are really spreading it thin if you have A LOT of friends. And having a lot of friends. can drive you up the wall! A lot of time consuming action and jealousies can occur as each friend will no doubt put you to the test so to speak! And usually it’s one that you are not so friendly with. These sort of friends can become ‘frenemies!’ People who are supposed to be your friends but they are all the time talking behind your back, spreading untruths and getting you in trouble with your other real friends! Get rid of this person RIGHT AWAY! They will cause you nothing but problems! Also sometimes these fake friends will claim to be your ‘real’ friend! Usually these sorts are sociopaths with no moral register or ruler at all! They operate on their own terms and expect you to be on their side of every fight or argument that they will try to draw you in too! It’s DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!!! Well, ENOUGH! There’s the door! What’s your hurry! LEAVE! You can’t be gentle with these sociopaths they won’t listen to reason so show them the exit before they cause you any more trouble!
2. Be true to yourself. Don’t listen to the naysayers or the negative bunch. Always believe in yourself ! Make sure you got your own self looked after! And all you women, make sure you can look after yourself on your own! You can’t always depend on a man to take care of you! This isn’t the eighteen hundreds anymore. A woman can stand up on her own now. And always have some good friends you can share rent and things with! A nice large flat with three women usually works well! And make sure all have an income coming in. Nothing will breakup good room mates like one that isn’t carrying her weight! All must share in the expenses of keeping up a flat! Of course if one has a streak of bad luck that is to be expected once in awhile. Girls can help each other out but don’t let it become a habit. It’s always nice to have some cool roomies to have a cup of tea with and to have a night in watching Telly together . Re-runs of the X Files or old Are You Being Served! Oh, that reminds me, don’t forget to download my new single with Jim La Lumia called…
Number 1. Leave My Pussy Alone! Unless you have a personal invitation!
So I will now say goodbye to all my punk subjects and my Rock N Roll Freaks! Queen Jayne, yes your Auntie Jayne, wishes all of you Seasons Greetings, Peace On Earth and all that other Christmas Cheer! Yes HAPPY FUCKING CHRISTMAS! Now go buy my recordings and have another listen to my all time punk fave ‘If You Don’t Wanna Fuck Me Baby, Baby Fuck Off!’ And remember when all seems lost we still have the ALIENS to save us! Xxxxxxxxx
A HUGE thank you to Jayne for taking the time to do this for us. Have a great Xmas and a Happy Cat-Filled, Lamp-Lit and Prosperous Rock’n’Roll New Year. You are a mad, bad, beautiful creation and an inspiration – an example to us all to not give a fuck what people think, believe in yourself and at the the same time to laugh at yourself. xxxx
(Ged Babey and all at Louder than War)
JAYNE COUNTY OFFICIAL WEBSITE
Interview conducted by Ged Babey but most of the typing done by Jayne! (Whose punctuation favours the !!!!!)