How to successfully bunk a train Part 2

How to successfully bunk a train Part 2


Tip Two: The New and Improved Nap Time

If the confused foreigner technique is not quite your style, the innocent sleeper approach might just suit you slightly better. It requires zero participation on your part. This is the age old classic trick, but there are some extra details that will aid your efforts and make you appear realistic. All you need are some cheap earphones and any expired ticket, even if it’s ten years out of date. Hold the ticket face down in your hand so it can be clearly seen and get comfortable. Once your earphones are in place, with no sound coming through them so you can remain alert, just close your eyes and pretend to be asleep. To most inspectors, it will just look like you innocently fell asleep with your ticket in your hand, ready to show, and they will move on immediately. If it is a particularly feisty inspector they might try and wake you up by banging on the window or the table in front of you. This is why you are pretending to listen to music. No matter how loud they bang, stay calm, breathe deeply and completely ignore the commotion. If they touch you at any point, it can be considered assault and you then kick up the biggest shit storm you can possibly conjure, screaming that your uncle is a lawyer and demanding that they write down their full name and employee reference information. It is highly unlikely that it will come to this. Only once has it happened to me, and just the mention of my made up uncle lawyer sent the inspector bumbling off down the train in a mist of apologies.

Tip Three: Distracting The Eagle

Once you have mastered and perfected tip one and two, you are ready to move on to the next step, ”˜distracting the eagle’. Distracting the eagle is the most versatile method so far, being useful not only for evading inspectors on a train, but for getting you through barriers when, instead, you should be hauled away and marched straight to the British transport police. It works like this – As the inspector asks for your ticket, immediately ask them a question that they have to stop and concentrate on . While they are answering, just flash them any old piece of card that you have on you. It is crucial that eye contact is not broken at any point while you are distracting the eagle. If you are on a train, asking about connecting services works very well, and if you are at a station trying to get through the gates, asking for directions to a popular local monument is always very effective. What happens here is always beautiful – before the inspector can look at your ticket they are caught up in answering your query and by the time the matter has been resolved your ticket is back in your pocket and it is too awkward for them to ask you to get it back out again. You must have ultimate confidence and be exceedingly pleasant to succeed in distracting the eagle, but once it has been achieved a few times you will find it to be the most hassle free tip of all them all.

Tip Four: Bag Panic

Now that you have the mighty force of the ticket inspector in the palm of your hand, it is time to start considering how you are going to get through the barriers at your final stop. Distracting the eagle is one option, but there is another first class scheme to get you through those gates and back to your freedom. It goes by the name ”˜Bag Panic’. All you have to do is get off the train and run up to the inspector on the gate as fast as you can. As you are approaching them, start breaking down and yelling that you left your bag on a connecting train prior to the train you just got off. A bag that contained all your credit cards, as well as all of your money, your passport, your laptop and, of course, your train ticket. What are the chances!? The next stage at my local station is always the same. I am ushered through the barriers and told to go speak to the person sitting on the information desk, who then hands me a card and tells me to phone the number on it for any lost property queries. I take the card, show my appreciation and leave. Other stations may differ but one thing is for sure, you have to be one big bastard of a ticket inspector to fine someone that has just lost everything in front of you.

Good luck. Always travel audaciously…

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37 comments on “How to successfully bunk a train Part 2”

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  1. Steve Arkwright

    I’m fairly sure that one can travel to Manchester (return) for around £32 on National Express coaches.

    However, it’s hardly ‘Express’ when it takes five (5) hours — but you’ve got butties, plenty to drink (no alcohol — unless it’s vodka and orange disguised in an orange carton/bottle), some reading material, headphones, a pack of ‘Similars’ (for nicotine relief).

    Alternatively, you can always try kipping sitting up.

    No problem!

  2. What about the toilet hide? Six hours sipping cans in the jacks from Bremen to Mainz…
    Knock knock… Someone in here!

  3. But then you come across a seasoned railway worker that’s seen ALL the blags before.
    The same railway worker doesn’t agree with the fare increases either, especially as get all the shit about it off the public, they won’t get a share of the rise AND their job is constantly under threat!
    Basically, they have even less patience with unimaginative blaggers and get seriously pissed off with little scroats trying to take the Piss.
    If yer don’t wanna pay the fare, find some other way of travelling cos you’ll lose more often than you win.
    Believe it or not, you arent being subversive or smashing the system, youre just being a Tut
    :-)

  4. Robin Brunskill

    The promotion of dishonesty on LTW.
    How impressive?

    All under the guise of being “a piss take”.. oh ok… good “get out” clause.

    If you don’t want to buy a train ticket, then hitch. I’m female and I’ve done that in most European countries..(too scared to do it in the USA).. Yes, it can be dangerous, and yes it is a risk, but it is an option.

    Another idea is to set up a car-share/petrol-share web-site, for those who (for example) travel the Manchester to London route regularly. Again, sitting in a car with a stranger is a risk, but its a better option than getting a criminal record by stealing isnt it?

    • An get raped or worse lol I would not pick up a male H.H fcuk that an I’d still be very wary stopping for a woman, it’s not good to always think the worst of people, letting a stranger hitch a ride , is like letting a stranger at the door, come in to use the toilet, I don’t think I would let them in! ? Even a scrawny, innocent man or a woman, unless I have people at mine an could be in control of any situation, only a Ned Flanders or Fred West are Hitch Hiking, or stopping to let them in! ? It’s a shame I feel I have to think that àbout people, and it doesn’t help with the scare mongering, and the News showing the worst ,Negative side of things, but yh fcuk the train company’s, everything is a great big rip

  5. What a fu**ing cock you are. Get off your backside, pay your way and stop being subsidised by the individuals who pay the increased fares which partially go towards filling the hole made by fare dodgers.

    Incidentally, 99% of ticket inspectors ate wise to all moves. You think you are the first to come up with them?

    Man up little boy.

    • its ok for the higher earners to afford these tickets, but the lower earners have no choice but to bunk trains to work to support thier family, because at the end of the day what would you choose your presious train ticket or risking it by not paying to stop your son from starving to death. Lower earners have a massive disadvantage when it comes to affording train tickets

    • I’ve started just buying child tickets as the price seems fairer. I don’t want to be a fare dodger but I’m sick of being blatently ripped off and not getting what I paid for. These companies are robbing us blind so we should stand up for ourselves instead of just taking it endlessly.

    • Fcuk paying the train fare if you can get away with it? Then “Fare” (Pay lol) Play to you !! Pmsl, that’s exactly why they charge such extortionate train fare’s ? Because typical English Bell end’s like you pay the price without question, but if they were cheaper, more people would probably use the train! And more often than they do now ! Wich would be less traffic, less pollution ect . . It’s like when Me the Mrs and our two kid’s would go up to my Nan’s on a Saturday for dinner, we’d happily get the Bus, but it was cheaper to call a taxi? ? How doe’s that make sense? We’d have to walk a good 10 /15 minutes to the bus stop, with 2 young kid’s in rain or shine or snow , wait however long for it to arrive get on a crowded bus with the kid’s! Encountering the undesirables , i.e smelly (an were not just talking 2 or 3 day’s of sweat) Mo fo’s who blatantly have not even seen the inside of a bath or shower for literally year’s talking piss , on top of piss ! Probably shit! Sweat , I don’t know how to even try to describe the smell? ? An on a hot day WTF, piss heads all over the place stinking of white lighting or special brew , getting up close and personal trying to make conversation spitting as they talk (as you get tippsy off their breath ) occasionally you get the 1 who will try touching them or try giving or taking the diddy? (Dummy) or touch their face , with their grubby hands n black nails what u can tell ain’t saw a sink and soap for ever lol knowing that he’d probably been on the cans all day and had a good 10 pisses not even though about washing his hands, dribbling piss all on them , and touching his cheesey nob , what ain’t had a wash since the last time he went to jail for 28 day’s, and don’t get me started on the moaning O.A.P’s trying to draw you into a conversation a join in with theirmoaning,

    • Rodger the Dodger

      Do you actually believe your subsidising the fare dodgers?
      The prices increase yearly and funnily enough the shareholders always report massive profits. Go figure.

  6. “99% of ticket inspectors ate wise to all moves. You think you are the first to come up with them?”

    Where did you get that stat from, moron?

    “pay your way and stop being subsidised by the individuals who pay the increased fares which partially go towards filling the hole made by fare dodgers.”

    Do your homework. Losses in income due to ‘fair dodging’ in the UK doesn’t even come close to the money made from people overpaying on tickets (for instance, buying a return and not using it, or buying a more expensive ticket from a machine than they need to for their journey).

  7. this is an excellent post, already had all this up my sleeve and hasent failed me once yet in over a year, hoping to find more tips !

  8. Great Train Robber

    Nice article To the try-hards claiming ticket checkers are wise to this stuff and those perhaps put off by these claims, I have been a mostly non-paying customer of 1st Capitol connect and West coast main for 5 years now, and the beauty of the best methods – in my opinion the gamble ticket, 10p travel pass, & sleeping passenger – is that they rely on law and regulation rather than the ticket checker being an easily put off dullard. It doesn’t matter how clued in the guy is, he can’t touch you, prove you were never intending to pay, or hadn’t made a simple mistake with your “gamble” ticket. Same with the “panicking bag leaver” ploy. Trust me, they’re not going to review hours of CCTV footage at various places simply to prove you did not in fact leave your wallet or whatever at some station 50 miles down the line.

    As for the ethics, its quite simple: the train companies are trying their hardest to get you to overpay and in many cases attempting to intimidate people into paying extortionate penalty fares under false threats of prosecution for the smallest infraction, no matter how innocent. This being the case, it is not only your right but your responsibility to pay as little as you can.

    I became a bunker after getting gobbed into paying a penalty fair by some overbearing knob who demanded £20 for a £4 journey or I would be arrested and lying to me about when the money would be taken from my account. Fuck ’em. I take great personal satisfaction in the fact that £20 penalty effectively purchased me thousands and perhaps even £10k plus worth of free travel over the last few years.

    • They’re not threats man I owe thre grand to the cunts. Good on everyone for counter robbing these bastards death to privatised rail!!

    • If a ticket inspector tries to wake you (without touching you) and they cannot wake you then they may touch you for three main reasons. 1) you are legally obliged to show the ticket inspector your ticket when asked to. You are breaking the terms and conditions of your ticket if you do not. If they ask you to leave the train and you refuse you can legally be removed from the train. The second reason is you may be deaf. The third, but most important reason, is if you cannot be woken up potentially it is a medical emergency. You could be in a coma and require urgent medical attention.

  9. I don’t like the train fares any more than anyone else. And I am broke. I hardly ever buy anything other than food and that is a stretch. But I also don’t like stealing and all the people getting defensive and slagging off people who have complained about these techniques are doing just that: stealing. If you don’t steal from shops or other people why would you think it’s OK to steal from a train company, greedy b@$!@^&$ or not? Stealing is not cool or clever or funny, it is stealing and it is wrong. Sorry to be a killjoy but why don’t you all go out and grow yourself a conscience? Change what you spend your money on. Buy tickets in advance when they’re cheap, use coaches or car shares as other people have suggested. And if for some reason you still feel it’s ok to steal (it’s not!) don’t brag about it and slag off those of us who choose not to because deep down you probably know it’s wrong (I hope)

    • Don’t be such a wet lettuce! Just purchase a child ticket instead and then you’ll be paying a fair fare. They’re really robbing us blind now and they don’t care because their shareholders don’t use the trains and in many cases are not even uk resident.

  10. I am not bothered about people dodging fares. I am bothered about the scandalous prices charged by rail companies. Why can’t we as a population do something about this? Srsly. It’s an absolute outrage that successive governments talk about sustainable transport and green issues and yet it’s an arm and a leg to travel anywhere and especially so if you have a family. You’d have to be seriously well off to travel as a group of 4 any distance. It’s no wonder that people take to their cars. The railways should belong to the people and be run in an affordable manner for the benefit of people. The situation we have now, where they, like the electric and water companies make profit for individuals is barmy.

  11. Actually they can touch you if in their eyes they believe you to be unresponsive which could be caused by illness. The myth of being touched and then sueing the company does not work and to my knowledge has not been successful through the courts.

  12. The Railway Tea Leaf

    I’ve saved a few grand by buying season tickets for part of the long journey from both ends and just blagging it if anyone comes round. Service is sh*t and way overpriced. Train journeys should be free for people trying to get to work not the most expensive. There are no advance tickets for peak time travel into London.

  13. Seen it all before….I’ve always said if you parasites (because that’s what you are) CAN COME UP WITH A NEW ONE…I’ll let you travel free…as for the sleeping one yes I can wake you up…you could be ill or you may have missed your stop….and if you give me shit i will no longer wish to see your ticket and hand you over to the BTP….always remember you are required to produce a ticket valid for your journey when asked to do so…at the time you are asked to do so…so the too many pockets not enough tickets or my bag is too big …won’t work. And news flash ticket barriers are coming back starting this year…..I know why you do it but remember you are one of the reasons fares are the price they are…. pay your way parasite

    • Sorry you couldn’t join the police you dickhead “newsflash” I would suggest that constantly sucking people’s blood by raising ticket prices for extreme profit and then blaming a minority of fair evaders for the price hike is arguably far more parasitical than someone who has to get to work and can’t afford your fucking shit cunt prices and so is pretty much forced to jump the train. Only to be met by a load of authoritarian fetishising meatheads who take great pleasure in sucking some more blood out of you when you’re busted. Everyone knows who the real parasites are.

  14. Eff jobsworths

    I use the same blag every time and the ticket man always falls for it he can never outsmart me, but I’m not dumb enough to explain it on here because I’m a clever c**t and I want to keep using it, I love mugging them off…. I used to pay every time until one day I genuinely had my bag stolen from the luggage area and the ticket man didn’t believe me and issued a 21 day to pay slip and told me to speak to services at the station about lost/stolen,

  15. For those arguing that fare dodgers are increasing the value of the fare-paying folk. How can this honestly be true?
    If the train companies need to increase their prices this will need to be proportional to the value lossed by fare dodging?
    This is an unknown value by definition.

    Train tickets increase there fares as and when the the government allows… The fares are raised by the largest a amount they are legally permitted and stragitically manipulated to increase their revenue to the maximum potential without any regard to the customer.

  16. I rely on trains as I’m unable to drive due to health issues. And I’m peed off when you find short distances can cost more than some long distances. And when you have purchased ticket and there is no ticket inspector. And when there is he walks past you and doesn’t bother to ask for your ticket. Prices go up above the average rate of inflation. So you feel you’ve wasted your money.

  17. As for the Manchester train on peak fare just buy a ticket to Lancaster (£10 more return at £90) and there’s no on peak. Travel between London and Manchester between 3-7pm. Change at Warrington. If you want a seat on any train from a major station, as soon as the board shows “preparing” go to the assisted mobility desk and ask them what platform. You’ll be first there and often before the inspectors are there to mark your ticket so if it’s a return they’ll usually not check for a while as they’ve checked ‘everyone’ at the barrier. U and F are reserved on most Virgin trains BTW.

  18. Man actually on a train

    I’m fortunate that when I get trains they are often outside peak hours and even at times when barriers are not in use (very early morning or late at night)
    Also my journeys rarely Involves having to go to or from London

    Whilst I am always prepared to pay on the train invariably the train managers never do the rounds.

    Whilst bunking the train may be a crime it’s not as big a crime as the protection racket known as the train operating companies. When I recently discovered these companies make even more money due to delays caused by Network Rail and customers not claiming refunds I really do think fuck them

  19. I recently had 6/8 journeys, which are required for work, turn up late making me miss my connection and subsequently turn up to work late.
    As a result I lose pay which is HIGHER than that of the train fare.
    2 of these journeys were made with me leaving even earlier to go to work and still ended up late.

    Now, that is a DIRECT result of poor management, I can understand 1 or 2 but 6? No way.
    Coupled with zero communication between stations, this has affected my weekly income by a large amount.

    So my attitude is any time I dont feel like paying for a ticket or am unable to, its a metaphorical refund for the aggrevation and loss of earnings caused by a poor service.

  20. freetraveller

    This is absolutely genius. Hats off to you my friend. I’m currently sitting on a Virgin service from Kings Cross to Newcastle and gave a ticket to the inspector that I had bought on a previous day with a totally different origin and destination. I asked him if I could get to Manchester from Newcastle as I handed him the ticket and it worked an absolute treat, he even looked at the ticket but his attention was on the question I had asked him. Can’t stop laughing, my favourite blag ever. Distracted the eagle.

  21. I think the ‘dead foreigner’ is best: A seemingly sleepy foreigner with no luggage is heavily asleep when the ticket collector comes around. This foreigner is actually sedated and looks ‘dead’ to the ticket collector. It would be impossible to remove this passenger from the train. Finally, when the train reaches the passenger’s stop, they make a miraculous recovery, and if questioned say their bag has been stolen, they have a heart condition and must see a doctor immediately. Perhaps they would be assisted through the barriers and on to a waiting ambulance?

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