How to successfully bunk a train Part 2
Tip Two: The New and Improved Nap Time
If the confused foreigner technique is not quite your style, the innocent sleeper approach might just suit you slightly better. It requires zero participation on your part. This is the age old classic trick, but there are some extra details that will aid your efforts and make you appear realistic. All you need are some cheap earphones and any expired ticket, even if it’s ten years out of date. Hold the ticket face down in your hand so it can be clearly seen and get comfortable. Once your earphones are in place, with no sound coming through them so you can remain alert, just close your eyes and pretend to be asleep. To most inspectors, it will just look like you innocently fell asleep with your ticket in your hand, ready to show, and they will move on immediately. If it is a particularly feisty inspector they might try and wake you up by banging on the window or the table in front of you. This is why you are pretending to listen to music. No matter how loud they bang, stay calm, breathe deeply and completely ignore the commotion. If they touch you at any point, it can be considered assault and you then kick up the biggest shit storm you can possibly conjure, screaming that your uncle is a lawyer and demanding that they write down their full name and employee reference information. It is highly unlikely that it will come to this. Only once has it happened to me, and just the mention of my made up uncle lawyer sent the inspector bumbling off down the train in a mist of apologies.
Tip Three: Distracting The Eagle
Once you have mastered and perfected tip one and two, you are ready to move on to the next step, ”Ëdistracting the eagle’. Distracting the eagle is the most versatile method so far, being useful not only for evading inspectors on a train, but for getting you through barriers when, instead, you should be hauled away and marched straight to the British transport police. It works like this – As the inspector asks for your ticket, immediately ask them a question that they have to stop and concentrate on . While they are answering, just flash them any old piece of card that you have on you. It is crucial that eye contact is not broken at any point while you are distracting the eagle. If you are on a train, asking about connecting services works very well, and if you are at a station trying to get through the gates, asking for directions to a popular local monument is always very effective. What happens here is always beautiful – before the inspector can look at your ticket they are caught up in answering your query and by the time the matter has been resolved your ticket is back in your pocket and it is too awkward for them to ask you to get it back out again. You must have ultimate confidence and be exceedingly pleasant to succeed in distracting the eagle, but once it has been achieved a few times you will find it to be the most hassle free tip of all them all.
Tip Four: Bag Panic
Now that you have the mighty force of the ticket inspector in the palm of your hand, it is time to start considering how you are going to get through the barriers at your final stop. Distracting the eagle is one option, but there is another first class scheme to get you through those gates and back to your freedom. It goes by the name ”ËBag Panic’. All you have to do is get off the train and run up to the inspector on the gate as fast as you can. As you are approaching them, start breaking down and yelling that you left your bag on a connecting train prior to the train you just got off. A bag that contained all your credit cards, as well as all of your money, your passport, your laptop and, of course, your train ticket. What are the chances!? The next stage at my local station is always the same. I am ushered through the barriers and told to go speak to the person sitting on the information desk, who then hands me a card and tells me to phone the number on it for any lost property queries. I take the card, show my appreciation and leave. Other stations may differ but one thing is for sure, you have to be one big bastard of a ticket inspector to fine someone that has just lost everything in front of you.
Good luck. Always travel audaciously…