Who runs the trains? Another fat cat screwing us for what they can get.


It’s a very British thing – moaning about the trains.

And for good reason.

The best form of transport run purely for profit, cutting corners and over charging and treating passengers like shit.

Southern rail have been hitting the headlines a lot recently for their poor service and overcrowded and expensive trains but it’s not just in the South East media bubble that the trains are like this – round the rest of the country they are even worse – Northern Rail is the worst of the lot but no-one seems to care about their passengers.


The prices are astonishing – lets look at London/Manchester – they have have a 4 hour- yes that’s 4 hour break in the afternoon from 3 till 7 when you  cannot get on the train with the so called ‘saver’ ticket- a saver ticket of near 80 quid which is one of the highest in Europe- not content with this criminal piece of robbery they crank the price to nearly 300 quid.

That’s right 300 quid


This piece of daylight robbery used to be for a couple of hours but the fat controller has stretched this to 4 hours now.


The result of this is the famous ‘Euston dash’- the thousands of passengers running across the stationn trying to get a seat on the train knowing full well that whichever seat they sit in will suddenly flash up with reserved ten minutes after they have sat down despite saying notthing when they sit down meaning a desperate search for a lonely unoocupied seat somewhere on the train- unless they go in the endless empty first class carriages.

I’m not even going to mention the wifi you pay for that doesn’t work and costs you even more money when you phone to complain and forgets to send you your refund for their broken service…

Up and down the country the trains get worse and the bosses get richer…



Is this any way to treat people Mr. Fat Controller!

In a semi humour-us article our man strikes back…





How to successfully bunk a trainHow to successfully bunk a train- a list of jokey suggestions on how to get your own back (we don’t suggest you actually try these…)

Having trouble affording your train fare back and forth to work every day? Outraged by the extortion of rush hour tickets? Don’t worry. You’re not the only one. The privatization of so called œ’public’ transport has allowed the greasy profit heads to storm in and do as they please. Though we may have to travel on those same tracks every day, we certainly don’t have to pay full whack for the journey. Here’s a few tips on how to successfully bunk a train or at least pay far, far less for the ticket than you are supposed to.

Before The Blag Begins:

There are many variables when it comes to bunking a train, all depending on what station you’re travelling from. The most important detail that we must tackle first is whether or not your home town station has barriers. If it does then you are most likely going to have to start off with what we refer to in the industry as a ”˜gamble ticket’. The gamble ticket is the cheapest ticket sold at your local station and its sole purpose is to get you through those gates and onto a train. It should always be to a station that the train you’re about to get on doesn’t stop at. Don’t worry about encountering any inspectors with your gamble ticket or getting through any barriers at your final stop ”“ oh no – these issues are easily dealt with and will be ironed out shortly.

Tip One: The Confused Foreigner

So you’re on the train without a valid ticket, speeding off to wherever you need to be when the inspector pops up shouting, ‘tickets please. What next? Well my personal favourite is the confused foreigner approach. This is where the gamble ticket truly shines. Simply hold the gamble ticket up to the inspector’s face and pretend that you don’t speak any English at all. The inspector will then do two things. 1. Hopelessly try to inform you that you’re on the wrong train. 2. Frantically attempt to direct you back to the station on your gamble ticket. The true beauty here is that you cannot be fined as you are, of course, only visiting this country for a week and don’t have an address for the fine to be sent. Once the inspector is safely on their way, carry on as you were. If they try to follow it up, which rarely happens, then you just have to act as though this second encounter is even more confusing for you. They will soon give up and walk away, knowing in their heart that there is nothing more that can be done.

For more tips on how to successfully bunk a train go to Part 2

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  1. Go Kyle! I have been known to use Distracting the Eagle for many things, including sneaking booze into places where booze shouldn’t be. The rest require far more guts than I’ve got though.

    • kyle,things to remember.
      1,travelling without a valid ticket leaves you open to many problems. your ticket is your contract with the train company,so is also your insurance,so if you have,or involved in any form of accident,you are not insured for any part of the journey you are bilking
      2. a common misconception is made by yourself,revenue protection staff DO have the power to detain a fair evasion,under railway bylaws,until bt police or county police arrive.
      3,you are one of the reasons why fares go up,increased revenue staff and other revenue protection costs money,to try and stop people like you,so railcompanys increase fares to help pay for these measures.
      by the way,do you go into a shop or pub and steal their goods?,because that is what you are doing on the railways.or what would you say,if your company(if you work)only paid you half of your wages and stole the rest?.hope you get caught my friend,and end up with a nice fine,or better still, a crim record!

      • All valid points, but also rail companies are greedy and often fail to deliver the most basic bits of their jobs:

        1. Get a train together that’s got enough seats for people to sit down
        2. Make sure the train track doesn’t look like it’s been there since the Ice Age
        3. Try and have the trains running vaguely on time

        If rail companies had to compensate for every time they were ‘sorry for any inconvenience caused’ then maybe they’d be arsed to sort themselves out.

        Most people DO pay, and they pay the full amount, because they can’t be arsed to argue. If I need to pay £250 for a return trip to London and the rail companies still can’t use my money to sort out these extremely basic problems then maybe they should have a look at the continent, where rail travel is reasonably priced, on time, and generally a pretty nice way to travel. We put up with this shit, and we’re all supposed to be giving up our cars? Where’s the incentive?

        • in reply to you,can i run this past your self.
          1-i live in france,and can assure you that sncf have major problems,the same as uk companys,ie problems with timekeeping ect. most problems with tmekeeping,in any county,is beyond the railcompanys remit,what with vandalism,tresspass ect. what you have to understand is one little delay of say 5 mins in the peak,has a knock on to all trains.also,in responce to your comment about more seats on trains,there is not a country in the world that can provide this in the peak time,you would have to have a train a mile long,running one every 10 seconds!with all these extra trains sitting around most of the day idle. you could not space on the line suh a intensive service.why do people not feel the same about delays on the roads or airlines,do you expect compo off the highway agency every time you sit in a traffic jam? you can not set off by car,and say exactly what minute you will arrive after a 40 mile journey,with jams and roadworks,but get upset if the train is 4 mins late! as for track,there is more relayed track in the uk,than anyother european country.
          most rail firms now also have newish trains,again,more than other countrys.

          • Jacko its true what.your saying buy the avarage age ay a train in the UK now is older than the stock we had back in 1992 when they went private all most of the trains has just had a lick of paint

        • You will never have empty seats in the rush-hour peak times! people have always stood and will always stand ,Due to the sheer number of people travelling.Its a myth trains run on time on the Continent!I ve stood for over four hours on a station in Berlin waiting for a sleeper service after vandalism! Indeed vandalism in the UK ,shopping trolleys ,cycles thrown on tracks ,live wires and rails and signalling cable thefts account for 90% of all delays on UK railways!I agree with the Greedy bit though! Privatisation has been set up to make vast profits not to benefit the passenger!

          • I’m registered disabled, because of muscular problems. If they fai to provide me with a set I’ll claim the money back every time, the greedy cunts.

          • Why put seats on the trains then. That’s a cop out. That’s what the rail companies come away with when people have to stand every single time they board a train. In reality the trains do not have enough carriages to accomodate the number of passangers so people have to stand. You sound as if you prefer standing in an over crowded train. You should write to the rail companies congratulating them on providing you with that service.

        • “then maybe they should have a look at the continent, where rail travel is reasonably priced, on time, and generally a pretty nice way to travel.” Well, I know of a solution to that problem, emigrate from the UK to a country such as France instead! Problem solved! :P

      • People bunking trains is not why the fares go up, this is a common misconception, and one that is perpetuated by the train companies themselves to add social pressure to those attempting to those who show the initiative to bunk the exploitative system. The prices go up, always due to the want for more profit. If your argument (which is NOT your argument at all, it is the argument of the train companies) had any validity then what about the empty seats on trains? there a huge amounts of those when I travel – so there is no need to put the prices up because of people bunking, the inflated prices, even when a train is empty (when the seats could be sold for MUCH MUCH less as they’re empty, so any profit is a profit on them) quite easily prove that these greedy pigs just want to justify their own greed, and use peer pressure to not lose their HUGE profits.

        People use the same argument in regards to shoplifting making prices go up – also simply not true, the corporations budget for losses by theft, not only that but when dealing with bulk, then individual products are marked up excessively – as in what it costs the supermarket to produce the product is next to nothing compared to the price you’re paying. Again, the argument is invalid – the prices will go up anyway, the blame on theft is to a) increase peer/public pressure on those who are thinking of stealing and b) to defer the blame that the corporation is just greedy onto the individual trying to claim back what they are owed.

  2. I consider myself to be an expert in dodging fares on the trains. Besides not being able to afford to travel often, I do so as a protest at the over priced, shitty service that is provided in this country.
    A couple of points..
    Firstly, Yep, the mystery ticket to get on a train is great, alternatively, see if you can find a local station with a ticket to ride machine, stick in 5p and you can travel in peace for 2 hours.
    You can apply the same trick at the other end.
    The train companies provide posters at most stations listing which have ticket offices and which don’t. Upon arrival, go to the excess fares and say you have come from the closest station without a ticket office. If asked for your ticket to ride then the machine was vandalised and you couldn’t buy one.
    I have many other tips on request but the basics are there. Happy travelling.

  3. @ KYLE G-I`m Colin I have been 25 years as a Guard/On Train Ticket collector based in the Midlands.And I know all the scams!In reply to your on train situations to avoid showing a ticket.The on train sleeping scam .You most certainly can shake someone awake and it is not an assualt.It has to be proved an assualt!If anyone had to stand up in court and point the finger at a railway official for shaking themselves awake and for an assualt they would also have to explain to the court why they didnt have a rail ticket or had made no effort to buy one.If you sat there with a visible ticket in your hand I would remove it!I would and always do remove a ticket from a sleeping persons hand.(to avoid waking a person un-necessarily ,putting it back gently!) As for shaking you awake there is easily way around that to explain in Court room” I was concerned about the travellers well being your Honour.I didnt touch him at first but I kept banging on the window next to is ear and banging on the table but he wouldn`t respond! I thought he had lapsed into a coma.I heard of a story a year ago that a guard failed to wake a lady that had lapsed into a diabetic coma who later died.The Guard was later criticised for failing to check her ticket!I was really concerned at this man sir I thought he might have been a diabetic slipped into a coma.” That is the usually a way around touching someone especially if they won`t respond- your concern for their safety and welfare!No sane person will sleep through lots of noise or bangings without something being seriously wrong! As a for ranting about an Uncle Lawyer or some such ( I even had a lady fare dodger threatening she was a Barrister!) My answer would be ” Well you should know better then madam/sir!Do you have your ticket please?” “Name and Number Sir/Madam? yes of course here I`ll write it down for you ,thank you”.I always have it printed on a card anyway so I can just pull it from my top pocket!With the address to complain to on the other side!To continue with the sleeping scam .I had a situation recently where the Guy would not wake up no matter what! I was banging on the window with my key next to his ear,banging on the table with same.I shook him really hard as well! ” Oh dear must be in a coma have to phone for an ambulance “Pulled out phone 999 “require ambulance at so and so station blah – blah” Lo and behold blagger suddenly rose up pushed passed me out the train and out the station.Blagger had long wait there, as it was late at night in the freeezing cold LOL!.(Next train was cancelled after hitting shopping trolley.And one after this was extremely delayed because of same reason!)As for the language problem scam! Oh dear!.In this multicultural society and age of globlelisation we now live in there are usuallly persons on a train who can speak more than one language .I quite often had laungauge problems over tickets wether guenuine or blaggers .As you say Kyle it is very hard to tell which.Way around it?Usually easy to find where person is from (especially if Police threaten).Quick on-train announcement “Anyone on this train speaks so and so language? the Guard would be exremely grateful for assistance with a problem etc etc” You`d be suprised .Even Russian from one experience -a Russian travelling on quiet train in possesion of a heavily discounted ticket he shouldn`t have .He said” No English ,me Russki me no understand”.Made announcement.TWO people turned up to translate! You should a have the the look on his face! Especially when he was threatened with immigration officials! Soon got money to pay out pocket then quickly! LOL!I`ve had the situation with french,Turkish etc -Quick annoucement for someone to translate problem solved.There are always around everything! If one thinks!Thanks for your tips Kyle G.I will pass them on at the on- train Ticket inspectors weekly mutual improvement class! LOL!

  4. Colin Faux you are a brainwashed cock, working for the system… i bet you got bullied at school you ego control freak

    • Yes yes! I love it love it LOVE IT YES! YES! Money Money!!!!MONEY! I get 5% comissision of all the revenue I collect on the trains! Lovely! Keep it up fare dodgers and chancers! get on the train without a ticket, Pay on the train and make me richer to the tune of £300 to £400 or more a month! LOVELY!

      • Dear Mr Colin Faux, dont worry I will and ive no problem with you getting 5% commission when I occasionally have to pay £4 from say brockenhurst to ashhurst new forest, when in fact i end up getting all the way from weymouth to birmingham and back and only end up paying between two stops, where someone like you happened to be looking, its well worth it to save, well a lot more than £4 in rail fares.

  5. Hey Colin,
    I’ve been to london and back (1 hour each way) 3 times in the last week without paying a penny.

  6. @Colin Faux

    Your response made me laugh out loud – excellent stuff Colin!

    I agree that people should not be allowed to get away with fare dodging on trains. However, I will never have the opportunity to meet you and thank you for your diligence because I never go on trains – because they are such a ripoff. Which leaves me with a better understanding of fare dodgers, and sympathy for all those paying through the nose.

    Best wishes

  7. Right,

    If youve got a visa electron card your sorted. Simply because if you pretend to pay with one on the train, the machine the inspector carries does not allow electron payments, therefore they tell you to get off at the next stop with a cashpoint so you can withdraw money. Get off as they ask and apologise blah blah then wait for the next train and repeat the process. I got back from Glasgow to London using this method and have done this round the country. Also for those who are worried about ticket barriers then DONT worry. Follow behind someone quickly and youll be on the other side. The guy standing at the barrier by LAW is not allowed to pursue you as its against their health and safety regulations and could be potentially dangerous(if someone is carrying a knife or whatever). Just watch out for undercover BTP especially on the underground in London. No train is unbunkable in this country and with a bit of savvy and know-how you wont have to pay ever. Personally i now pay for my tickets as i have a small family to take care of now but this advice is for all of you that are new to the game :p

  8. Lol some interesting methods, i’ve been bunking for years now and i’ve not really tried anything on that list – except ‘deserting the eagle which i used to do on the bus with an old ticket where i showed the card but kept eye contact – once when i got caught i pretended to look for my ticket but then ‘realised i lost it’ then the tie asked me the journey and what the price of the ticket was (luckly i checked the price before getting on the train. Although your methods sound good i dont know how useful they would be because i think you should use a new lie each time otherwise ties will wise on… although if you are very good and can pull it off ‘distracting the eagle’ is a good method

  9. As interesting as this is, not sure its right to be ‘bunking’ a train, what will be next a guide to illegal downloading

  10. I suppose issuing people like Mr. Colin Faux with targets, or even commission, makes them into little institutionalised automatons.
    I take it from his ‘banging on the table’ rant that deaf people can’t be ‘sane’ people?
    When Sid Vicious once said “I’ve met the man in the street, and he’s a c***”, I think he’d just been on one of Colin’s trains…

  11. Excellent piece. Very useful advice. Any chance of a follow-up piece on shoplifting which has become increasingly difficult with the rise of CCTV etc.?

  12. u must purchase a ticket b4 u board a train, if u do not u are comitting a bylaw offence and can by summons to court, so if you produce an electron card you would not have the means to pay, therfore be reported and prosecuted, c u in court

  13. On a similar transport tip, could you maybe give us a guide as to the best ways to steal a bike? The propertarian pigs use unfair methods such as chains, leaving them near CCTV cameras. Bikes are expensive, made by big capitalist enterprises. How do they get away with it? Stealing a bike will hardly dent their profits. And if you ‘own’ one you’re just a sucker playing the capitalist pig’s game, aren’t you?

  14. The railways were privatised because it was making INCREDIBLE losses. It was not sustainable and it was the tax payers who were footing the bill.

    The large majority of British Rail employers were overpaid, lazy, and there was FAR too many or them. People were promoted because of how long you worked there not because of your skills or ability to do the job. It was a fucking mess.

    To give you an example, I worked for a freight company shortly after privatisation, and took work off old BR employees who were being made redundant (and given bucket loads of money). Our team of 6 people absorbed the work of 10 people by only adding 1 extra person. That’s how inefficient BR was. The ticket prices reflect service levels, inflation, and supply and demand. If they were cheaper before privatisation it was because everyone was subsidising the costs through tax whether you got on a train or not. At least now you only (should) pay if you get on one. So don’t target privatisation as the cause for any downfall. It actually improved everything and saved tax payers money.

    Comparing the rail to all the costs of travelling by car, or the annoyance of travelling by bus, and traffic jams, delays, congestion, roadworks, petrol prices, etc.. etc.. then travelling by train is a pretty good way to travel. Plus you can get pissed when you’re not driving.

    Yes trains are late sometimes and virgin trains tend to smell like a sewer however far away you sit from the toilet, but I think the service is largely very good these days. It isn’t cheap, but if you don’t like it get a fucking bus. They can’t be so terrible if you’re so desperate to get on a train when you can’t afford it.

    I pay all the time because I can’t be arsed to keep getting on and off trains to get anywhere. I’d rather pay and have the option to get on a train than spend a few years scamming for them to take away the service because it’s not cost effective. Which they will as this is a business not a service to transport scum around the country for free.

  15. hmmm…. so we are supposed to react to an unfair system by stealing are we? Instead of peaceful protest and people power and the long dignified history of change in society that marks us out as a people of integrity……we have to ditch all that in favour of stealing…

    Integrity is linked to creativity.
    Lose integrity and you lose creativity in its pure sense.
    I think this “piss-take” about how to steal, marks the end of the integrity of this site.
    No self respect.
    Its really sad.

  16. love it lol
    as The Girobabies say: `Do I wanna pay my trainfare? Do I Fuck/ Ill just sit and read the paper and chance my luck`
    httpss://thegirobabies.bandcamp.com/track/the-giros x

  17. The trains around the N.W and N.E of the country are absolutely fucking terrible.
    They rarely run on time, the toilets smell like the Devil’s arse (even when they do work) and the staff are miserable twats.
    Last weekend, a train I was on sailed past my destination, forgetting to stop then slammed on its brakes causing the passengers to take an involuntary leap from their seats. The twat of a driver eventually plucked up courage to creep out of his box and skulk off to reverse the train – without apology.
    And we’re supposed to accept extortionate rising prices as being OK for such an utterly shite service that these money-grabbing assholes provide us with?
    Fuck that shit. Get bunking.
    Vive BlaBlaCar!

  18. Sorry Thom but teh subsidies given to train companies now are several times higher than BR ever had. So it costs even more now than when it was a nationalised system. Having so many different companies involved in running the raliway is insane. If people fiddle Virgin out of money by fare dodging I cant pretend to be too concerned. However, if it was OUR railway, and not run for a profit, that would be a different matter and I’d happily grass them up!

  19. Quran (4:104) – “And be not weak hearted in pursuit of the enemy; if you suffer pain, then surely they (too) suffer pain as you suffer pain…”

  20. I¡¦m now not sure the place you are getting your information, however good topic. I needs to spend a while learning much more or understanding more. Thanks for fantastic information I was in search of this info for my mission.

  21. Very interesting info !Perfect just what I was looking for! “Being rich is having money being wealthy is having time.” by Margaret Bonnano.

  22. In the unfortunate event that a revenue protection officer/ticket inspector does ask to see your non-existent ticket, just give false details. They’re only going to send a court summons letter to the fake address.

  23. Anyone ever thought of chilling in the toilet…me and my friends always jump on the train and head straight to the toilets. No fucking inspector is ready to come smell poo (at least till date)…and we always jump down at a “no-barrier station” and simply leg it home. It’s not for fun, we don’t wanna pay…that’s our own benefit from the stinking government !

  24. I see a guy do this between Edinburgh and Berwick.

    When John sees an inspector he moves to the opposite direction. The inspector only gets about half way along the train before the train stops at Dunbar. The inspector is now distracted with doors etc. John makes his move and glides past to the side of the train already ‘checked’. The inspector continues his sweep and John can now relax.

  25. Sometimes the inspectors approach from either end of the train but John can just squeeze by into a part of the train already checked. The inspectors just seem to focus on seated punters.

  26. If you join a train at a station other than the starting one. Provided there are a few punters.

    When the inspector says tickets from xxxxx John can just ignore the call and pretend he got on at an earlier station. He can now relax as these earlier punters have already been checked.

  27. i think the trains have had a damaging effect on the commuter belt. when you included travel, the cost of renting in Chelmsford was the same as London. As a consequence a lot of young professionals left the town and lived in London.
    everyone i knew who didnt bunk was too scared theyd get caught, it wasnt a hero moral position.
    keep up the good work

  28. Is avoiding fares morally better than the fat cats who avoid taxes and make money by dubious means? You are not socialist but just me me typical of the Thatcher era.

  29. Another good one is to buy a cheap anytime off peak ticket to to your (so called)desired location like for instance say Doncaster to Retford. You just get on the train that doesn’t stop there preferably the one that goes direct to London KX non stop Wallah your home and dry. All the inspector can say is you’ll have to change at London and head back up north as your ticket is an anytime ticket eh lol. Oh and there’s no barriers at kings cross lol


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