Assuming you can get a ticket that hasn’t been hiked up in price by 600 per cent, gig-going itself is a minefield – especially with this motley crew of characters thrown into the mix”¦ See if you recognise yourself! says Michelle Corbett

Most likely to say: “If we skip the encore, we can make the 10:47”
Least likely to say: “Let’s see if there’s an after-hours party”
Periodically checking his glow-in-the dark watch and hovering round the exit, this public transport worshipper lives in near constant fear of missing his ride home ”“ missing the ride of his life instead.

”ËœSocial Networking King’
Most likely to say: “Check out my YouTube channel!”
Least likely to say: “Man! I lost myself in the music”
Furiously blogging the set-list, ”ËœSocial Networking King’ is permanently plugged into the worldwide web via his ubiquitous iPhone. You’ll be ”Ëœliking’ his candid shots on Facebook before the roadie has packed the last amp.

”ËœWorld’s Biggest Fan’
Most likely to say: “I’m with the band”
Least likely to say: “That last number was a bit of a letdown”
Clad head-to-toe in leopard-print for the Manics, sporting NHS geek-chic glasses for Morrissey or crying hysterically at the barrier, ”ËœWorld’s Biggest Fan’ is as synonymous with gig-going as piss-poor beer and lousy PAs. Frequently seen comparing lyric tattoos and re-applying eyeliner, ”ËœWorld’s Biggest Fan’ will fight to the death”¦ unless there’s sweat-soaked shirt or a set-list involved.

”ËœGoodtime Joe’
Most likely say: “Mine’s a Carling”
Least likely to say: “Van Der Graaf Generator epitomise all that was great about prog”
Talking non-stop and stood with his back to the stage, ”ËœGoodtime Joe’ is only here by chance – sold on the idea of beer and indie chicks on tap. Oblivious to the music, his braying laugh gradually escalates in volume ”“ attracting furious glances from all around. Come Monday morning you’ll still be seething with resentment at the memory of his ”Ëœhilarious’ David Brent-style routine midway through Guy Garvey’s acoustic rendition of ”ËœNewborn’.

”ËœWalking Encyclopaedia’
Most likely to say: “It was all a bit Spandau Ballet circa 1983 – and not in a good way”
Least likely to say: “No I haven’t heard their latest album”
Impossible to impress and permanently disenchanted with ”Ëœthe scene’, ”Ëœ’Walking Encyclopaedia’ hasn’t seen anything Lou Reed didn’t give birth to or Johnny Rotten chew up and spit out. Their natural habitat is two-thirds from the front (a suitable distance to stroke one’s beard contemplatively and a good 10ft away from ”ËœGoodtime Joe’).

”ËœJolly Green Giant’
Most likely to say: “This Jester hat really completes my look”
Least likely to say: “Perhaps I should stand at the back”
”ËœJolly Green Giant’ favours Cowell-style platforms, Flock of Seagulls hair and, at seated gigs, always the front row ”“ in fact any opportunity to accentuate his God-given stature.

”ËœShouty Couple’
Most likely to scream: “It’s not me, it’s you!”
Least likely to whisper: “Let’s not cause a scene”
If the onstage action isn’t as shit-hot as you’d hope, there’s always ”ËœShouty Couple’ to fall back on for entertainment. One lager away from a Jeremy Kyle audition, ”ËœShouty Couple’ are harder to embarrass than Katie Price and almost (but not quite) as attention-seeking. After making up during the slow numbers you’ll spot them making out in the taxi rank.

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  1. There’s one you missed: The Muso’s
    Most likely to say: That’s a classic Les Paul Gold Top going through a Hot cake pedal into a Vox 1830
    Least likely to say: come on let’s go mental in the mosh pit.
    The muso’s are always there early to check out the rig, guitar set up, pedals etc.
    Strategically positioned in the optimum acoustic position, slightly to the lead guitar side so as to get the best sound from the treble soak up. Nodding sagely with occasional comments on each number to their muso friend in between songs. Stoney faced, showing neither appreciation nor disappointment, the muso’s scowl at the good time Joe’s and shouty couples. 3-4 pints 2 bought before the gig and carried through, a further 2 bought during the album filler track to avoid missing anything crucial. Bladders like camels.


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