Footballers and super injunctions – the morality of football and the mediaNot having a schlong I don’t know how difficult it is to keep it in one’s pants. It would seem however that if you spend 90 per cent of your professional life running round in a pair of shorts, it’s practically impossible.

In recent weeks yet another Premiership football player has taken out a so-called Super Injunction ”“ preventing his conquest, Big Brother ”Ëœstar’ Imogen Thomas, from naming him or speaking to the press about their sordid affair. She has been “thrown to the lions” (her words ”“ not mine) however because she cannot afford an injunction of her own.

Blabbing ”“ sorry blubbing ”“ on ITV1’s This Morning, she swore: “As foolish as this sounds, I honestly didn’t think that this would get out into the public domain and I always said I had no intention of selling the story.”

She really is just the girl-next-door don’t you know? I mean, who hasn’t shot a cover for Zoo or Maxim, had a long-running contract with the Daily Star or posed for the nice wholesome folk at Playboy?

And just because she’s dated Matthew Collins of Swansea City and Tottenham Hotspur’s Jermain Defoe; Russell Brand – three-time winner of The Sun’s ”ËœShagger of the Year’ award – and polo player Jamie Morrisson, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s a fame-hungry groupie does it now?
“I suffered a lot,” Imogen continues to sniff. “It’s been a really, really difficult time for me.”

Try telling that to the player’s wife and kid love. I think you’ll find they’ve got the shittier end of the stick. Because no matter how much your partner earns, if you can’t trust them to walk out of the door without hopping into bed with the nearest spread-eagled WAG wannabe then you’re stuffed.
Premier League players may be cash-rich but it appears many of them are emotionally and morally bankrupt. Take old Wazza Rooney as a case in point. He might bring home £250k a week in wages from his club alone but when was the last time Colleen waved him off for an out-of-towner without thinking: “I wunder wheeeereee ”Ëœe’s goin’?” or, more aptly, “I wunder oo he’s shaggin’ now?”

As for Mr X ”“ the so-called “family man” who skulked around behind his wife’s back with Imogen for six months ”“ what a repugnant little ”Ëœman’ he is! Happy to enjoy Imogen’s ample charms behind closed doors but drops her like a hot potato at the first sniff of interest from the press ”“ leaving her to deal with the backlash single-handedly.

What kind of bloke behaves like this? And why is football bursting at the seams with them? I guess when you’re so rich you can have literally anything you want when you want it. It’s little wonder that women too become nothing more than throwaway commodities. From a speeding offence to a kiss-and-tell footballers are far too adept at coughing up cash to sidestep responsibility for their appalling behaviour.

I for one hope the Super Injunction is overturned. Footballers are paid huge wads of cash not just to kick a ball around but also to be ambassadors for their clubs ”“ role-models both off and on the pitch. I don’t want to be fed a load of baloney that they are respectable loving husbands and partners if this isn’t the case. I don’t want to be subjected to advertising campaigns that are based on a false image of who a player is and the values by which he lives his life.

Nor do I want to live in a society where a group of uber-rich arrogant young men dictate what newspapers can and cannot write about. Super Injunctions give footballers a cloak of invisibility which they do not deserve, are not entitled to and which ultimately only serve to highlight the cowardice beneath.

As for Imogen, lest you are concerned, Wales on Sunday have been reassured by her spokesman Max Clifford that she has been approached by an “unnamed major lingerie company” and is “making the best of a bad situation”. What a brave little soldier she is! Chin up Imogen. It turned out nice after all.

Previous articleBest International Music Festivals 2011 – maybe
Next articleCheck this brilliant cartoon strip about John Cooper Clarke


  1. I’ve not read this – I just replied to the previous post about badgers… my comment is awaiting moderation. Then I saw the next article was about super-injunctions. SO it’s one rule for filandering footballers and another for the respondees to Loude…. OH HANG ON!

  2. Well said Michelle. I have a “schlong” and have, like most of my gender, managed to keep it under control.
    Footballers aren’t renowned, or indeed employed, for their restraint or lack of testosterone. As far as I can see, the protagonist gets his jollies, the groupie gets some tabloid cash and a bit of sleazy fame and the trophy wife gets the cash and easy life that was the reason she married the ugly moron in the first place. The tabloids get sales, we mere mortals get a laugh at their expense, so it’s wins all around.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here