Fifty Shades of Black – A Soundtrack For The Years Bestselling Book

Top selling (but far from ‘top’) book Fifty Shades Of Grey attracts it’s audience in large part because of the darker stuff that goes on within it’s covers. The official soundtrack, however, based on some of the music mentioned in the book, is anything but dark. We mull on what we think would make a more appropriate soundtrack.

Some weeks or months ago, stuck round someone’s house with nothing to do, I succumbed to temptation or boredom, and started reading their copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. And it’s as rubbish as (almost) everyone says it is. But it’s still piled up high at the entrance to my local Tesco, selling for £3.99 a copy. The story is classic Mills and Boon: innocent virgin is seduced by extraordinarily handsome billionaire, is whisked off on romantic dates in his private plane and his enormous yacht, ends up marrying him, having his babies ”“ although, as he has “a dark side” she has to endure a bit of BDSM on the way. Which she sort of ends up quite liking. There are a lot of intense stares, trembling knees, and trails of kisses down her neck, which some might find romantic, but gets pretty tedious when it reoccurs every few pages. And the technicalities described with phrases like “at the apex of my thighs” and “he cupped my sex”, which some people – weird people – might find erotic. This usually happens in an elevator but sometimes happens in his sex dungeon.

Obviously the darker stuff is the selling point, but in reality it’s about as dark as putting a pouting Cheryl Cole in a rubber dress and dominatrix heels for a photo-shoot. She’s still glossy and groomed and squeaky clean. It’s not Siouxsie, or even Amy Winehouse dark. It’s a synthetic, sanitised, commodified version of dark.

Then there’s the music. They ”“ the couple in the book – love Snow Patrol. Or Razorlight. One of the two ”“ is there a difference? – but anyway, definitely not dark. And there’s a Fifty Shades of Grey album out, which is mostly the classical stuff that he plays in his sex dungeon when he’s handcuffing her to the bed or getting his whips out, but also includes Damien Rice. I rest my case.

So what should they be listening to? Here’s our thoughts:

Paint it Black ”“ the Rolling Stones

Venus in Furs ”“ Velvet Undergound

Submission ”“ Sex Pistols

Allegedly Malcolm McClaren told them to write a song about submission in the S&M sense and they wrote about a submarine mission just to piss him off….

Whip in my Valise ”“ Adam and the Ants

Dark Entries ”“ Bauhaus

Liebe auf den Ersten Blick ”“ DAF

Some Kind of Stranger – Sisters of Mercy

Do it Nice ”“ Suicide

Eviction ”“ Linea Aspera

Corazon Doble ”“ Mueran Humanos

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  1. A couple of notable omissions there. The almost perfectly positioned “Sex Dwarf” by Soft Cell. Luring disco dollies to a life of vice.


    And you have to have something off “Big Blacks Songs About Fucking” But I’m going to go for a cover, The Model


  2. ‘Closer’ by Nine Inch Nails?
    ‘Pussy’ from those cheeky Germanics, Rammstein?
    And how could we broach this subject without mentioning the heart-felt emotional sentiments of ‘I Cum Blood’ by Cannibal Corpse?


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