Keith Goldhangar reports once again from t’Olympical Games, this update touching on such matters as traffic, macdonalds, football, chicken, londoners & drugs*. As pre usual it’s all done with Keiths idiosyncratic brand of satire.
Weekend one of the Olympics has been fucking brilliant……
Leyton high road has become like a festival back stage area with track suited people roaming the streets high fiving each other and sometimes stopping to chat..usually about who they are and what they do….Their track suit tops have their countries, the odd sponsors names and their allocated rolls printed on them. I saw a DANISH OFFICIAL TIME KEEPER the other day (he’ll have no chance against the Swiss..) and some very tall Russian basketball players as well as what seemed like the whole Thailand contingeant looking for something decent to eat, asking awkward questions about the 200 cyclists still being kettled in the local park and wondering why the Brit’s eat so much fried Chicken.The brits walk around wondering what happened to all the traditional fish and chip shops and early reports suggest that the WORLD’S BIGGEST MACDONALDS isn’t doing the business expected (although if you see pictures of this crammed with people then that’ll be because it’s an excellent place to shelter from the rain apparently). Those chicken shops seem to be inhabited by people still coming down after all that LSD that was generously handed out before the opening ceremony* whilst everywhere else Londoners ………Londoners…LONDONERS !!!!!!!!!…WHERE THE SHITTING CHRIST HAS EVERYONE GONE ????
Magaluf must be teaming with Eastend barrow boys and office workers at the moment. You were CONNED !
What appears to have happened is that everyone’s gone away, or are sitting at home eating cheap chicken, sat in their pants watching 45 stations of wall to wall tv coverage. The tourists that are here have a ticket for at least one event and only half the people who said they were going to watch the events are actually bothering to turn up. The men in suits, that HAVE NEVER HAD TO QUEUE UP in their lives for tickets have royally fucked up by giving them all away to people (connected to corporate companies apparently) who said they were interested but were not (a bit like all those demo tapes or cdr’s we hand out at gigs..”oh of course i’ll give it a listen”—-goes straight into bin…).
My personal 30 minute journey to the office that is now expected to “take 3 hours” takes 30 minutes. But for those out there reading this who are in charge of working establishments should note, for the benefit us those of us that had a lie in today that the pavements were horrendous. I had a 90 minute delay waiting for the red man to turn green this morning at Canary Wharf. The Tube at Canary Wharf was called a “hot spot” this morning i.e one to avoid. Thats what the radio said. So everyone believes the radio and no one questions me walking into work at midday – oh yes I LOVE THE OLYMPICS!
At the moment the only people looking as though they can be pleased with themselves are all those people wearing big laminates that I have not had a proper good look at yet as i never seem to be wearing my specs when i should, but must say something along the line of..”i got my shit together and now i’m in London..i’ve done my bit but it looks like everyone else hasn’t got a clue”.
The BBC have managed to do their upmost to sabotage the games by putting a DJ (whose main qualification, as it is with all radio DJ’s is to never be able to shut the fuck up!) in charge of the opening ceremony proceedings, telling us that his cousin was there, the drums being hit “aren’t real drums”and worst of all telling everyone that it really WASN’T THE ACTUAL QUEEN JUMPING OUT OF THAT HELICOPTER !!!!!!! So what was the fuckin’ point of that then? – worst of all they keep harping on about athletes commitment and the fact that they often go to bed at 8 o’clock at night and having to sacrifice “the good things in life” to achieve their aims of a gold medal. BOLLOCKS – I’ve sacrificed going down the pub to write this. Parents sacrifice nights out clubbing to look after their children. in fact everyone makes sacrifices in order to do something they love so if you’re going to keep going on and on about living a sheltered life + getting up at 5am just to run around and jump off diving boards then BRING BACK TOP OF THE POPS so people in all those indie bands WHO HAVE SACRIFICED EVER HAVING A GIRLFRIEND TO MAKE SONGS LIKE THE BEATLES can have a go at getting their own “gold medals”
I’m now going to write about Football – you can skip this bit if you like…
On Friday night we learnt that if you give an Englishman 37 Million pounds he’ll buy a big bag of drugs* and burn a cdr from a borrowed FUCK BUTTONS CD whilst inviting alot of people to dance around a football pitch. (A pitch that West Ham really will need to sort out before the start of the season). Give that sort of money to an organisation in Liverpool and they’ll spend it on a bloke with a pony tail who doesn’t do anything and give it to a Russian and he’ll buy half a Spaniard called FERNANDO TORESS who will also not do much but will make people laugh nearly as much as Mr Bean.
If the situation ever arises when you need to palm off a few tickets for a Team GB v UAE football match, captained by a bloke called Giggs (and it won’t) then do what I did and swap a few letters around and before you know it you’ve got a few mates thinking they’re going to a Bee Gees concert at the University of East Anglia. That’s what I did and it was great. BETTER THAN REAL FOOTBALL. This is why: There were no drunk fat FORTY SOMETHINGS getting all flustered, “showing emotion” like they tell you to on the telly and swearing loads at their own players, the referee and opposing fans. There were no pound signs in players eyes, fake injuries, appealing for corners that obviously weren’t theirs NO ADVERTISING WHATSOEVER AROUND THE PITCH OR INSIDE THE STADIUM, no music played when goals were scored and MORE THAN ONE MATCH. All for twenty smackers and a free travel card (worth about 8 quid). The 1st game between Senegal and Uraguay was more entertaining than anything i’ve seen at LEYTON ORIENT during the last 5 years and WE EVEN HAD AN OPERA SINGER in our block who stood up a couple of times to strutt his stuff (including “Nessun Dorma”) and he was brilliant. As for the “2 hour security checks at the gate”…. well according to my watch it took 6 minutes to put my belongings in a see-through bag (which wasn’t looked at) and get frisked by a 70 year old man. I’ve seen better security at a Radio one Road show.
But no one had any bombs so it was ok.
The day was spoilt about a minute after the final match when some fuckwit decided to play “We Will Rock You” ear splittingly loud as we were walking out. Anyone who goes to regular matches at our national stadium will know that this is usually how CUP FINALS and INTERNATIONALS start and continue throughout. Anyone who saw the Olympic matches on TV and noticed a lack of “atmosphere” may also note that this is Wembley and it’s always like this because usually the man who has the music button and mike tries really hard to get people to “make some Noooooooiiise !” without realising that if he shut the fuck up the crowd would do so. Naturally. This man tried a bit hard at half time by saying “who wants to see Ryan Giggs score another goal” (“Groan”) and “is there anyone here from the UAE ? (“silence” from everyone including a coach load above the tunnel) – Then before Ryan giggs could score again he was substituted. This was announced by the same man announcing a substitution for what i’m sure he said was “England” before quickly correcting his error. In fact this error was heard said a few times by the people behind me however thankfully there were no chants of ENG-ER-LAND by those who were vocal (“clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap …GB!”)
Giggs I learnt, played at Wembley for the 1st time way back in 1989 when he was ENGLISH. Which brings me the the male GB Beach Volleyball doubles team …the FIRST EVER GB MALE BEACH VOLLEYBALL REPRESENTATIVES… who remarkably are from FLORIDA AND SPAIN. Our Female beach volleyball team are from SOUTH AFRICA and Dorset. The last time I went to Bournmouth there were about…well Zero people playing volleyball on the beach so i reckon this could be a very easy sport to learn. This is enough to encourage me to find something obscure to do and JOIN ANOTHER COUNTRY in order so that next time I can get one of those big laminates and track suits with my name on. IN BRAZIL. Where it won’t be raining.
I’m calling it “Monday” but those all around are calling it “DAY 3” and today is a very sad day because we havn’t won any Gold medals and people working in the “fan zones” or whatever they’re called are all very bored. I wandered over to Victoria park (estimated Journey time 2 hours – actual journey time = 25 minutes) and got in without a ticket. Went through very tight security (metal detectors/dogs/police/security frisks) and watched a bit of clay pigeon shooting on one of the half a dozen or so big screens showing the events. It was brilliant. They had a big bar with comfy sofa’s. A big stage with Bands. a FUCKIN HUGE big wheel (which they wouldn’t let me on unless i coughed up ÃÂ£7.00) , a zip wire (that they also wouldn’t let me go on so I threw a ball of cotton over the wire, a trick i learnt at school which would sieze the pulley whenever the next person went on it) those ball things where you can make pretend that you’re Wayne Coyne from the Flaming Lips (they wouldn’t let me go on these either). Lots of food stalls and a great Belgian theatre group called “Theatre Tol” who rode bikes about 50 feet in the air hanging from a crane. If you go onto the website you will see a picture on their front page, probably taken on the evening of the opening ceremony and very impressive it looks. The park holds about 20,000 people i’m told. A really good thing to have that made me proud to be a Londoner. Well it would if someone had let Londoners know it was there. Thirty five people (maybe 36.. ) in a big field with all that going on is a disgrace. I dont care if it was a Monday evening. That is a big space to justify all those police / security / bar staff / TV’s and faiground rides. THIS IS THE FUCKING OLYMPICS and yes as Boris said “WE ARE READY!”…but we’ve not invited anyone to the party whilst at the same time advising all of us that do live here to avoid going out….I’m going to cry now. I’m confused. I’ve had too many late nights watching the weight lifting and I’m not liking what I can see. it’s like Christmas out there at the moment. Not many people about. Traffic moving freely.NO ONE USING THE OLYMPIC LANES And worse of all THERE ARE NO TICKETS AVAILABLE AND THE EVENTS ARE HALF EMPTY (or half full if you listen to COE & co).The shops are overstocked with crisps and sandwiches that are going out of date and there’s a ten foot pile of Evening newspapers at Stratford station that people just simply don t want to read.
I’m now buggering off for a few days to sit in a field and watch some bands. Maybe when I come back it’ll be different. Maybe we’ll have a GOLD MEDAL. Maybe we won’t. Maybe some more people will turn up. Maybe they won’t. The people that are here are great, but there doesn’t seem to be the amount we were expecting.
They’ll probably bring the army in to make it look busy.
* There wern’t really any drugs involved – I made that bit up.