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Dolly Daggerz is the fiery powerhouse behind, at the front of, and often twirling around a pole high above rock band Tokyo Taboo. She recently disclosed online that she had been sexually assaulted during a performance – an assault further compounded by a vitriolic backlash from internet commenters keen to blame her for the assault. Clearly some still have lessons to learn from the #metoo movement. With those lessons in mind, Dolly writes about the experience here in her own words (as told to Cassie Fox).
Things hit a new low for me recently. A guy decided to grope me whilst I was walking back through the crowd after singing in the audience. This has hit me hard. When I am performing I am ‘Dolly Daggerz’: a superwoman character who is physically and mentally strong, a woman who doesn’t take any shit. I’ve dreamt up this persona that, I thought, terrible things could never happen to. So this assault felt like a kick in the face and I was so shocked I could barely react. I went from feeling strong and empowered to small and weak in an instant.
During our ten-gig ‘Lips Can Kill’ tour I counted five instances of sexual assault and inappropriate behaviour: A man asking for a kiss who I’ve never even met before. A man actually kissing me to say goodbye. A drunk man sweeping his hands down my ass when leaving. And so on. It’s something I can shrug off at first. Maybe chat to the guys in my band about it all the next day and be like ‘weirdos…yuck’ but after a while it’s actually exhausting. Hands Off Gretel’s Lauren Tate, who spoke out publicly about this same behaviour recently, revealed that she ‘doesn’t enjoy’ touring anymore due to the harassment she receives. She claims, ‘I had guys taking the piss out of me asking if they “had the consent to kiss me now.” Disgusting.’ Speaking out about it is apparently not always very effective.
Following this last assault, what’s been particularly scarring is the backlash about this awful incident online. I’ve had (a very small percentage of) people saying if I dress like a stripper and pole dance, it’s my fault. ‘Of course, men will grope at you! What do you expect?’ Then lots of laughing emojis. I’ve had direct messages from fake accounts saying I ‘might as well whore myself’ and should ‘sell naked photos’ as I already ‘sell my body’. Wow, and I thought that I could dress how I wanted whilst on stage and perform how I want without any random old man touching me? Crazy thinking!
I also read someone saying that posting about sexual assault is ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ and that some people do it to ‘seek attention’. All men commenting of course. Another female jokingly wrote that she’s unsure of why she hasn’t been assaulted herself or seen anything at shows. Maybe she’s not ‘good looking enough’ or doesn’t ‘behave in a way that attracts attention.’ Maybe because she is ‘moody and unapproachable at gigs.’ These remarks point to an underlying consensus that it’s about the victim: how they look or act might provoke assault in some way. I’m sure that since performing pole onstage I’ve received more male attention. However, I have also been assaulted when walking in the street, when dancing in a club, when singing in a recording studio. I’ve been harassed whilst in full makeup, no make-up, in pyjamas, in running gear. This has nothing to do with how hot someone is or what they are doing at the time of the assault. If someone wants to grab flesh they will. The victim is not to blame. Let me write that again: THE VICTIM IS NOT TO BLAME.
I’ve received hundreds of comments writing how unacceptable this incident was. And mostly men in shock and horror that someone would grab at someone else without consent. But then I’ve read a post with someone confused. ‘Why is someone who dresses so sexy upset with male attention? Stop complaining’.
Attention is fine. Touching out of turn isn’t.
When it comes to such a sensitive topic, I wish people would please think before commenting online. Women are made to believe they ‘deserve’ assault, rape and violence. If you dress sexy it’s ‘your own fault.’ If you pole dance or show skin expect to be groped. We are moving into a new decade where I want to encourage women to report sexual assault no matter what the outcome. I wish I had ignored my barrister friend and reported the fake A&R guy who I naively believed wanted to help me.
Make sure you publicly support women and question the assailant not the victim. A woman could be completely naked and we still need to look at the guy who grabbed her inappropriately. It’s our human right to feel safe. Also, a message to young women starting out in music: some male producers are full of shit and want to take full advantage of your hopes and dreams. If it seems to good to be true, sadly, it probably is.
What am I going to do to feel safer? I’m currently considering hiring security at our gigs (though part of me thinks this is giving in to those guys who don’t know how to behave). Maybe pepper spray in my bra somewhere, microphone in one hand whilst my other hand grips the pole?
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Hi Dolly.
Came across your post after having read one on Bowie / Crowley. Have to say that i fully agree with you in terms of a woman should be able to wear what she wants without it being a green light for blokes to view / treat her as a sex object. There is an element of this being a double edged sword, I have brought up a daughter into womamhood and the other side of the blade is that I have taught her that as well as having the freedom to choose what she wears she also has a duty of care to herself, the reality is that there many “scumbag” men out there who driven more by their fantasy fuelled twisted passions than respect for a woman as an individual human being. So may be wisdom is the order of the day, but then of course by virtue of the nature of my thoughts the choice is yours alone. Enjoy your music.