Dark Times at ‘Coalition Mid-Point’
“To me it’s not a marriage, it’s a Ronseal deal, it does what it says on the tin.”
– David Cameron
This is easily one of the slickest things to ever come out of the shiny headed head-cod’s mouth and, to be fair to the guy, should be congratulated. Especially when the retort from Barnsley’s Labour boy Michael Dugher was “It’s now clear there’s nothing in the tin” which was no doubt met with so much silence a goddamn tumbleweed rolled through the house of commons. Times have really got dark if the Tory party have become the quick witted satirists in modern day Britain and I fear for the day that they roll Margaret Thatcher out as a regular guest on Mock the Week.
The statement Davey C made was due to the fact that the small poodle that humps his leg, Nick Clegg, had refused to quit shitting on the carpet unless they held a joint conference detailing ‘exactly what we have achieved so far’. Now I’m not expert, in fact the reason I started writing about politics is so there’d be access to a Layman’s view, or sort of ‘POLITICS for Dummies’ guide in real time, but it seems to be that the Premier and, well, whatever the hell Nick Clegg actually does, would want to keep a tight zip-lock on their lips when discussing their current, or lack thereof, successes in tackling a country that is apparently going down the crapper at a speed so quick you’d have to fuel Usain Bolt with at least three grams of high grade speed just to keep that turd on the horizon of the Olympic beast. I realise the media, and journalists as a whole, tend to over exaggerate the severity of current events for better viewing figures (myself included) and that the cities aren’t actually burning to the ground (I mean, thank God Cameron cut short his holiday in Tuscany and “saved” the day, breaking Clegg’s heart who, while Davey was away, spent evenings drinking cheap scotch from hooker’s belly button’s dressed in a He-Man costume screaming “I HAVE THE POWER!” like some crazed Communist dictator), but it’s hard to ignore that we’re teetering on the first triple-dip recession whilst everything is being hacked at like Edward Scissor-hands after one too many cans of special brew in an attempt to pull us from the wreckage.
Which, finally, brings us to the point of all this gibberish. Are we doing any better? Or has the shit storm escalated to level five on the Saffir-Simpson scale? And just what the hell are the maniacs at the helm planning to pull us out of ice-berg filled waters?
No, yes, and not very much seem to be the answers because whilst the entire country hurtles into a steeper and steeper decline the two seem to be more interested in arguing about whether Cameron should use the term “scroungers” or not (and this is meant to be from a pair that aren’t like a married couple). Who, honestly, gives a fuck what term he uses? He could refer to the out of work as “those lovely unfortunates who have fallen on hard times” and he’d still sound like he was, and deep down would be, calling them scummy little pricks. Which is wrong, I agree, but there are far bigger fish for these two Eton boys to be tackling right now.
“We were elected to serve the common good, not to use parliament and the vulnerable we serve as playground for petty games.”
– Sarah Teather (Brent Central Lib Dem MP)
But King Cameron and his wife, Nick, aren’t the only people putting petty squabbles ahead of dealing with actual issues. In a piece ran by the Guardian it appears that “Labour [have] continued to insist that the Government was misleading the public by selling the benefits squeeze as a way of making sure those out of work do not fare better than those in work.” This is probably true, but doesn’t bring any indication as what the opposition would do to amend it. Nick Clegg came back by whining about a “two-year freeze in public sector pay” that Labour had supported, and that the Miliband Army was merely “indulging in opposition for opposition sake.”
This is, unfortunately, exactly how politics works. Instead of everyone listening to each other and what good every party can bring to the table in a calm, polite and, though clichéd, British manner we’re instead forced to endure these bunch of idiots acting like goddamn school children and disagreeing with everything ‘the opposition’ says. This whole sentiment was put into perfect wording by comedy nerd David Mitchell prior to the formation of the coalition and even though he’s talking specifically about the Lib Dems the idea works on a general level also,
“…they have a brilliant idea, the Tories or Labour party can’t copy it because they’ll look bad. The Lib Dems could have the answer to the credit crunch and it would preclude…the Tories or the Labour party adopting it as a policy.”
– David Mitchell
This is one of the biggest problems of modern day politics in the U.K., and perhaps it always has been. There seems to be no real pragmatic thinking going on. No real compromise and no discussion of ideas that doesn’t result in some drawn out, three hour slag-match of half-arsed, skirt around the bush, name calling. I recall a conversation between Cameron and Miliband where Davey C was trying to insult Miliband by saying his “right honourable gentleman is in the pocket of the Unions.” Why not really insult him, get it over with, and then both sit down and talk it out? “I think my right honourable gentleman is a twat. Now that’s all cleared up, how bout we all take a shot at this deficit thing I’ve got here?”
The only actually pragmatic sounding thing was reported in the Independent with Nick Clegg “battling for an extension of the…15 hours of free childcare…arguing that it would give much more help to low income families to write off childcare bills against tax” which George Osborne has a stiff one for, with the result “likely to be a package combining both elements.” Which sounds very nice and friendly if it wasn’t for the use of the battling (but keep in mind my early point about journalists). That being said, ol’ Cleggy ‘battled’ to stop the student fee increase and just look how far that got him, which paints a picture of his ‘marriage’ to David Cameron of being a somewhat abusive one. Davey C sits on the couch drinking stella, shouting at the TV, and beats his wife Clegg down any time she tried to tell him about her day.
What the conference did give was an insight into some future ‘potential’ progression resulting in:
– a £75k cap on long term health care payments;
– £140 per week as a minim pension;
– additional help for families to raise mortgage deposits;
– a limit to state powers and an extension of personal freedoms.
Which all sounds great, really, but once again this hot air bubble has burst by Saga Director, Ros Altman, who fired back with the question, “The principles…sound good but where is the detail?” A feeling held by anyone who has endured the catchy phrases of no real depth espoused from the tiny mouth of King Cameron and his cronies.