The second in an occasionally series of reflections on the Olympical Games by Louder Than War’s very own in house satirist Keith Golhanger. Please note this was written before the opening ceremony but retains all its ‘bite’ despite that. I’m sure Keith will update us with his thoughts on said ceremony some time soon.
Despite the “transport difficulties”, immigration official strikes (ok we’ll scrub that one in the final edit), refuse collection strikes, train strikes, “Boris bike” strikes, TWO HOUR traffic jams outside our chip shop, declaring war on North Korea, bringing back the SPICE GIRLS, black cab’s blocking all the major roads because they want to be able to use the olympic lanes on the motorway…..stiff upper lip…Great British reserve..the blitz…”during the war” …etc etc…. he’ll get his fuckin knighthood after all this whatever happens….and this, despite the fact that there will still be people queuing up for tickets they bought a year ago for events finished weeks ago for events they wouldn’t have been able to get a good view of in half empty stadiums…. .
His speech is already written….I know because I wrote it – it’s what I do when I’m not pissing about writing for “Louder Than War”.
This may please some of those Springsteen fans who bow down to him now since he declared that if up to him he would have encouraged Bruce and McCartney “to jam in the name of the Lord!” after they were recently involved in an unplanned Unplugged session in the middle of Hyde part last week.
But not “ride stunt bikes in the name of the lord” – Even though these kids have been practicing their collective arses off since they were 5 years old and have managed to get very good at doing something that hasn’t cost them a penny because they didn’t have to join a club, or get parents to buy them a uniform (well, maybe the odd Nirvana t shirt) or safety equipment, in fact they’ve managed all this whilst at the same time hanging around street corners, drinking 20 cans of red bull a night and learning how to smoke fags. They were told they wouldn’t be needed a week before the performance because Paul McCartney wants to add an additional Olympic marathon length guitar solo …. Of course, I’m not meant to actually know that he’s going to be tinkering the ivories on Friday night because its ALL A BIG SECRET …Just like that bloody great firework display that woke me up at 00.20hrs Tuesday and again at 00.13 hrs on Thursday morning (there you go then, 7 minutes made up – BRING THEM BACK AND LET THEM PERFORM !!) …… Why they need to practice the fireworks display is anyone’s guess. Everyone at the rehearsal has been SWORN TO SECRECY..mustn’t let the cat out the bag about what this ÃÂ£37 Million opening ceremony has been spent on. I just hope it doesn’t include Christopher Biggins dressed as Benny Hill being chased by 2 dozen scantily clad women to Benny’s theme tune… I want HELICOPTERS / JAMES FUCKIN BOND / PEOPLE FLYING AROUND AND ABSEILING…? i want HEY FUCKIN JUDE and MARY BLOODY POPPINS, THE ARCTIC CHUFFIN’ MONKEYS and HARRY SODDIN’ POTTER (is it too much to expect the cast from all the “Carry on” movies….?). What I can reveal however, and I know BECAUSE I WAS THERE !!!..well not literally “there” but on the top floor of JOHN LEWIS’ peeking over the stadium roof last Wednesday evening is that THERE WILL BE JUGGLERS –whoopie doobie doo!! 37 Million quid eh !
William Hill have now slashed the odds of Boris catching his head on fire with the torch from 66/1 to 100/1 now that he’s had his hair cut. Eastenders really missed a trick there. Speaking of which, did anyone else notice that during the opening credits to Eastenders you can actually spot a warship going along the Thames now but there doesn’t seem to be any gun wielding coppers with sniffer dogs around Albert Square at the moment…something i’ve seen everyday this week in Stratford. I learnt this week that SOME police dogs are for explosives and OTHERS do drug sniffing but not both. These are definitely the “looking for explosive” ones….
I’ve also noticed this week that on top of those tall buildings around here that DO NOT HAVE BOMBS ON THEM, there seem to be penthouse suites suddenly perched on top of them which I’ve now worked out are TV STUDIO’s. Those people with bombs on their houses don’t appear as pissed off as last week now due to the fact that the alternative to having BOMBS on the roof was the possibility of having ADRIAN CHILES there instead.
Many non English speaking visitors will be treated to a new version of COUNTDOWN due to that bloody great shopping centre not bothering to ask ANYONE to proof read the new long banners that are draped across the mall. “Welcome to London” is what they should be saying in Arabic, however we are informed that at least 10 of the letters are not where they should be
Oh, and the BBC enlightened us with the news this week that A TEAM OF ROMANIAN PICK-POCKET’S HAVE ARRIVED.- you can finish that joke off yourselves….
So here we go then…inhabitants of London can currently be divided in two at the moment ..those peeling a Banana on the tube and those EATING KEBABS, THROWING UP and carrying their pissed mates over their shoulders…PEOPLE FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD HAVE ARRIVED. THE POLICE HAVE GUNS. THE HOUSES HAVE BOMBS. THE TUBES ARE FUCKED. IMMIGRATION HAVE GONE ON STRIKE (ok they havn’t but they were going to).THERE ARE HORSES ON THE ROADS,THE SPICE GIRLS ARE BACK TOGETHER, IT’S REALLY FUCKING HOT AND TEAM GB ARE ALL HAPPY PRACTICING THEIR SKILLS, WARMING UP AND GETTING READY FOR THIS GRAND OCCASION….
And it’s costing about 24 BILLION POUNDS which is about the same amount needed in order to keep a couple of school’s open, fund a few homeless shelters, keeping the odd youth club open,employing someone to unlock the Boris bikes and open up some of those athletics stadiums so athletes don’t have to go all the way to FUCKIN’ Portugal. It would even leave a bit of loose change left over in order to SEND US ALL TO THE FUCKING MOON FOR TWO WEEKS. What we need really to prevent all this happening again is some kind of machine to be invented so that you can have all these races and challenges between people without them having to travel, ideally something you could plug into your telly or PC. It’d be a piece of piss…or to be polite, Wii.
All together now Nahhh! nah nah na na na naaaaaaa na na na naaaaaaa …..Heeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude !!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll be back and in a better mood next week – and as high as a Russian basketball player……. xx
All words Keith Goldhanger who confidently predicts “I’ll be back in time for the high jump – (which my mum had the foresight to predict back in the 70’s – boom boom !)”. More Louder Than War pieces by Keith can be found here. Keith is on twitter as HIDEOUSWHEELINV.