Dear Diddy David Cameron,
You are a bit of a music buff. God knows we even seem to share some of the same music taste which is a bit disconcerting, disconcerting in a pop culture clash was and in the same sense as when your colleague Grant Shapps once tweeted me asking who was more embarrassed about who- him or his cousin the great Mick Jones…
So, Dave, anyway, we are linked by a clutch of bands that we may both like so I can look you square in the eye and sing ‘War! What is it good for’ into your fine smelling, perfumed and scrubbed earlobe and you will kind of know what you mean.
This week we were a hair’s breadth from getting dragged into another war with this Syria business. God knows where this one would have ended and I was thinking of those skinny young boys I bump into at gigs who come up wild eyed with excitement at getting into the army to do their bit but could have ended up been losing their legs and sanity in some dusty far flung foreign field they had never heard of before when yet another weird war goes out of control.
That’s right, it’s Syria and that ugly, very ugly situation there- the uncivil war that we have egged along without realising the consequences. The arab spring has just turned into the arab winter and now there is the added vileness of chemical weapons.
Of course we all want to stop them and their lunatic rampaging but can we? a bit of surgical bombing never hurt anyone did it?? Dave- you and your mini droog, or Mini Me himself- William Hague wanted some sort of military action to put a stop to these gassy emissions and there was lots of talk about the darkest of arts – chemical warfare, nothing we would we do ourselves is it! We have to give you credit though, you actually put this one to the vote and thankfully lost.
That can’t have been much fun can it?
There you were all ready for war, strutting around like a mini emperor, like some kind of Dr Strangelove with a collections of Smiths albums under your arm- all ready to stride the world stage like some kind of colossus and rap former friend of Britain President ‘nasty bastard’ Assad on the knuckles for gassing his own people.
Of course there is one thing we do agree on here is that these chemical weapons are the ultimate nasty stuff and no-one should be using them, not even in a war situation which is already a dirty, despicable and low way of sorting out the dirty laundry. I guess we have to ask ourselves where do these bad guys get this stuff from, do hey make it or like Saddam Hussein do they get it from their ‘friends’. Maybe for once our mates didn’t supply the dark stuff to some dodgy leader but I bet they or us have done a few times haven’t we Dave?
Anyhow who cares about all that stuff, this could have been war! A chance to stand next to those granite faced American generals and look all important, a chance to get that seat back on the top table like it was in the old days in those books we all read when we were callow youth, all that stuff about the playing fields of England and foreign wars and being the policeman of the world! Oh! if only it was that easy!
There’s a lot of ‘what ifs’ that play around here…one I keep thinking what if we had voted yes ! Lets surgically bomb that pesky Assad mob and carefully not hurt any civilians, yes! lets do it! BUT, and this is a big BUT diddy Dave, what if the Americans had then said NO! We’re not interested- would we have proceeded?
I think you got away there Dave, I mean you must be smarting now, the old Flashman king of the bullies image is a bit tainted. There are calls for your head but just imagine how much worse this could have been if we had gone in and could not get out again and what if someone a lot bigger, nastier and crazier than whoever is Syria had started using those pesky chemicals on its pissed off populace- would we have had to bomb them as well or does the world policeman pick and choose its targets carefully?
Of course I’m not talking any kind of moral high ground here, Syria is asking very awkward questions and there are no real answers.
Now lets get to work on helping the refugees…