Don’t fuck with Dr Who or EdnaDon’t fuck with Dr Who or Edna

A while back I had to go and pick up a hire van in Hendon Central and I decided to jump on an 83 bus on the Kingsbury Rd.
I was in a bit of a hurry and as I walked toward the stop I saw the bus I wanted to catch flash past. The left side indicator on the bus was still blinking away towards the pavement so I decided to leg it and try and catch it.

As I got to the bus the doors had just closed and the thick set, greasy looking, nethanderal throwback of a driver couldn’t resist a cheesy grin coupled with a surly shake of his head as he delighted in the realisation that he was going to pull off and leave me behind.

I banged on the door and as he revved his engine to pull away I realised that this arsehole was enjoying it. I aimed a well timed kick at the bus doors and watched the disgusted faces look down from their seats on the upper deck, glaring at me as if to say ”Ëœyou thug’ A final jaunty wave and a smile from ”ËœShrek’ the driver and he roared away in cheery London transport anonymity”¦”¦”¦”¦.What a wanker”¦.I was spitting chips and slowly turned around only to realise that my antics had been observed by a little old lady who stared straight at me and said in her delightful 1940’s London accent”¦”Ere”¦ wanna calm down a bit”

I looked straight back at her and could do nothing other than agree entirely with her.

With the prospect of a ten minute wait we struck up a conversation. She was a lively good humored, spirited old dear who told me that she had lived in the area for all of her long life. Her name was Edna and she was eighty five years old

“See that pole over there” she said motioning upward “I bet you don’t know what that cylinder right at the top is ”¦”¦…do you” I had to confess that I didn’t. (I had never even noticed it before) “Well that’s an air raid waning siren left over from the war”¦”¦”¦ but I haven’t heard it go off since the bombing stopped”¦perhaps it’s broken after all these years”

She then told me how (What is now Asda in Colindale) a factory in Capitol Way was flattened in a German daylight raid (Killing dozens of workers) and began pointing out various streets that had been bombed. She asked me where I lived and said “Oooo you were lucky up there weren’t you””¦”¦..Apparently a stick of bombs destroyed a load of houses in the next row down from me.
She said it like I should have remembered .I didn’t have the heart to spoil this lovely conversation just to tell her that I wasn’t even born at the time

(Note”¦”¦.. This area did get a right pasting from the Luftwaffe who were always trying to knock out Hendon Aerodrome, ”¦”¦”¦ gust of wind and bombs that were aimed at those targets blew the shit out of the streets around here, totally destroying Colindale underground station on 25th September 1940)

Fascinating stuff. Me and Edna were getting on like the proverbial house on fire, when she revealed that she was a regular traveler on this route and that this particular arsehole of a driver amuses himself in this way whenever he can and had indeed left her standing on the pavement in the pissing rain on more than one occasion

“Never mind” I said.” He’ll get his eventually”

Within a split second of saying that I heard a car hooter blare and I looked up only to see an old football dad mate of mine trying to angle his voice through his now open passenger window “Where you going Al” he called.

In a flash I realised the potential of this situation and turned to Edna and asked her

“Do you want to get your own back on that driver?”

“Not arf “she said. “Right jump in Edna”

I could see an evil glint in her octogenarian watery old eyes and she had jumped in the motor before you could say ”Ëœknife’.

I explained to my mate Gerry what had happened at the bus stop and asked him to catch up with the bus, get a few stops in front of it and drop us both off, of course he agreed. Within a few minutes we had the bus in our sights”¦. Edders was having a ball”¦.It really made me laugh out loud when she said “There he is”¦”¦”¦”¦”¦lets get him”. The whole thing was hilarious and somewhat surreal but simply had to be done.

My mate dropped us off and me and my best new chum Edna lay in wait for the 83 which duly arrived within a minute or two.

Without casting a glance our way the driver opened the doors in a ”Ëœswoosh’ of compressed air totally oblivious to the identity of his new passengers. I motioned for Edna to get aboard and whispered to her to sit down in the OAP section right opposite and in full view of the driver.

I can’t adequately describe the look on this twats face as his tiny little prehistoric brain struggled to work it all out, but before he could say anything I quietly launched into him.

“See that little old lady over there”¦.. If you ever”¦ ever”¦”¦ever .leave her or anyone else for that matter and drive off like you did to me .I will find you and I will rip your fucking head off and ram it up your Jacksie”¦. Comprendo”

His mouth was open and the lower deck of the bus was silent. He was amazed and eventually whispered, stuttering”¦”¦.”But”¦.but”¦.how .how did you ..but how did you do that”

I peered through the glass and hissed


Alan Hillier May 2nd 2011

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