You’ve shelled out hundreds of pounds on a Glastonbury ticket, it’s pissing down, you’ve got AGES to wait for The Wombles and – to cap it all – U2 are about to go onstage under a slate-grey sky. In short, you’re stuck in a field you can’t get out of. This could be the blackest Friday ever… unless you move fast. Here are ten suggestions for things to do instead of watching Bono and his cronies:
10 of the best ways to avoid U2
1) Dig a tunnel under the fence, go home, do something more interesting. Walk away (walk away), I will wallow…

2) Form a barbershop quartet with your campsite neighbours and cheer up departing Morrissey fans with lively renditions of Everly Brothers hits.

3) Ask a steward if you can borrow his little megaphone. Then announce: “This song… is not a rebel song. This is… shit.”

4) Die.

5) Repeat the soothing mantra: “Nice weather – for DUCKS” for the duration of the set.

6) Go to the Moo-tel and apologise to Michael Eavis’s cows, on behalf of the human race.

7) Throw a Trabant at The Edge.

8) Tear your tent into strips of fabric and use the poles to make a banner. Write “U2 ARE SHIT” on it, in mud.

9) Borrow your mate’s iPad and bury it somewhere secret, for a laugh.

10) Stay in your tent and file your 2010/2011 tax return.

Andy Barding

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