Eurovision Song Contest – stop fucking moaning and have a party!

Now the dust has settled Keith Goldhanger tells us why he thinks it’s too soon to be glum that the UK didn’t win Eurovision 2012 and gives us the definitive Alternative Eurovision scores. 

As an expert on Eurovision (I once attended a final dress rehearsal in 2001, got to see AQUA and get very pissed whilst talking to a couple of gay German skinheads dressed head to toe in Union Jack attire…) I would like to have the final word regarding this competition and the UK’s so called “failure”.

I’m going to make a trophy – a big one like the one Dana International (what a surname!!) unceremoniously dropped on her toe a few years ago and call it the Keith Goldhanger award for properly winning the contest. If I begin in telling you that as far as I’m concerned THAT IN MY WORLD (and yours) THIS WON THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST IN 2007:

Scooch (representing us, the UNITED KINGDOM) with currently over 3 and a half million hits on YOUTUBE have to date been listened to by nearly twice that of the WINNING Serbian entry.

My reasons are simple. If you look for each Eurovision entry on Youtube and add up all the hits then the results are those generated by the public with their index fingers. Therefore, the “results” are not obtained by a mad rush during the night of the competition (by pissed people) – The results, my results are obtained in a more sober manner, over a longer period of time with alot more thought going into the process.

Ireland’s Jedward are currently winning this years (2012) Eurovision with 652,128 hits in total and as I currently don’t have the aforementioned trophy to present, then the obvious flaw at the moment is the cut off point for a non -negotiable winning song. Abba’s Waterloo in 1974 is the current all time Eurovision leader of the pack with over 20 million hits to date (but I think we could all have worked that out anyway)

Other facts you may like to know are that Ireland’s Johnny Logan – winner in 1980 –  would be SEVENTH if you added up all the YouTube hits of that years entry, with the winner remarkably being this:

Which was always my favourite anyway.

Cliff Richard with his emotional “power to all our friends ” Won in 1973 (Whereas, on the night he came third).

Blue would have won if in 2011 i’d stopped looking in January this year but are currently fifth.

Daz Simpson won for the UK in 2006 (19th on the night) and Jemini (nil poi – last place) also won the Eurovision song contest in 2003 if you add the YouTube hits up today –

That’s THREE TIMES the UK have won the Eurovision song contest in the last 10 years <waves flag.. wobbles a bit… falls over>.

So don’t fret – Eurovision is not a sprint that has to be decided on the night.

It’s a marathon – decided by the public, on their computers and ending, whenever the UK are winning.

And as we seem to spend more money than most arranging this TV extravaganza – then I think you’ll agree that this is only the fairest way to conclude any arguments that anyone may have with the competition.

As they once said in Germany - HADDE WADDE DOODE DAH!

All words by Keith Goldhanger. You can follow Keith on Facebook or Twitter.

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